I have so much to say but no time to say it.

It seems like the last twoish months have been filled with so many life changes. I am just starting to really slow down enough for the dust to settle. I'm looking around at my life and I feel the need to scream at the things that have happened. I want to praise myself for conquering the challenges and rising above the pain I was feeling. I'm in disbelief of myself. I would never have predicted that I could get to where I am now.

In the last two months, I broke off an engagement, I moved home, I worked 30+ hours a week an hour and a half away from home. I went to school full time. I spent time with friends and family. I moved into an apartment all my own. I got a kitten. I crashed my car. I  broke up someone else's relationship over a dumb mistake. I slept with my ex-fiance because we were both vulnerable. I made new friends at work that genuinely are good people and like to have me around. I am working on studying for the GRE so I can apply for grad school after I graduate in May. I am a senior in college.

I want to yell at Kyle's family for disowning me over what I said from a place of anger and hurt. I want to scream at my job for not training me on new rides (really, it's been almost four months). I want to dance in my underwear because I've made it. I want to yell at my schoolwork for never ending.  I want to kidnap my girlfriends so that they'll actually spend time with me. I want to be 21 so I can go out for drinks after work with my coworkers. I want to date again. I actually really want to date again.

I want to feel those butterflies you get when you're meeting someone new and you're not quite sure where it will go. I want to know that someone has taken an interest in me for something other than my looks or to try to get in my pants (all ex's this means you! Off limits!). I want someone to woo me. I want to get flowers and text messages calling me babe. I want to date and go out and discover new things about someone else. I want to talk and listen and build a conversation.

I want to write. I can't write good poetry to save my life this semester because so much has happened that I can't even begin to write without word vomit ending up on the page. But maybe that word vomit is something beautiful. Just because I write really narrative poems does not mean they don't count. I wish my poetry class would stop telling me to cut the narrative. I have to say what I have to say and this is how I do it.

I want to sleep. Like just sleep without having to worry about an alarm or having somewhere to go or something to do. I want to just be.

I want to tell Kyle that I think he loved me but he didn't know how to be a grown up. I think he still doesn't know how to be a grown up. I want to tell him that his sister is a petty human being who is manipulative as shit about her world and that she needs to realize that cutting things out that you don't like is going to leave you with very few things left. And I want to tell her that keeping her child from ever meeting me because of one thing I said that hurt her feelings is silly. I want to tell her to look back on everything and to really think about how much of an impact I made in that baby's life before they were born. I want to tell her that it isn't fair that I drove her to countless appointments and felt that little foot kick so many times and that I don't get to meet her now. I want to say I feel hurt and I feel a loss. I feel like I'm missing out on something that I put in time and patience waiting for. I wanted to be a part of that child's life. I wanted to stay friends with Kelsey in all honesty. I liked her as a person. She is petty and controlling, but I can be that way too. That's why we butt heads so bad. I wanted to help her handle that baby. I wanted to be a refuge when her mother gets crazy. But I can't. And I will respect that. But I am grieving a loss.

I want to build a life where I am now. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I want to get into grad school so I can stay in this apartment. I love where I live. I want to get a full time job at the mall so I can make enough money to stay once my student loans run out. I want to continue thriving because I feel like I have been through so much, if I can stand tall and succeed after all of that, it will be worth it.

I know I have made mistakes and I have hurt people. I know I will continue making mistakes because I'm human. But that's the beauty in a mistake. You can learn from it and move on. I have wasted so much time in my life wallowing in my bad feelings and the situations life has thrown at me. But now, I feel happy. Genuinely happy. I know now that no matter what, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will never stop trying until I kick the bucket. I have tons to live for. I have a whole world awaiting me and I want to make the most of it. I am working hard to do well and I know it will pay off in the long run. Because looking back at these last couple months, I am proud I haven't given up and I am proud that I keep moving forward and conquering whatever life throws my way.

Sleep. School. Social Life.Work. Pick Three.

I have worked 40 hours since Saturday. I have slept maybe a total of 15 hours since Saturday. I have gone to school full time this whole week. And I've finished all my homework miraculously. I've seen my friends two days this week, but I've made a wonderful set of new friends at work so I guess working doubles as a social life sorta. So my pick three has been at the expense of my sleep. Which has now come to bite me in the ass, because, guess what?! I'm sick. Yepp. I work 30 hours in the next three days and I'm sick.  Ugh. Oh and did I complain about my hour and a half commute each way? Oh I forgot to mention that? well yeah. So I'm running low on fuel. I just want to sleep. But I can't. I just have to keep in mind that this craziness will end next week when I'm in my apartment finally. Just gotta keep chugging along until then. Then I can go buy my kitten. Cuddle up with it. Sleep to my hearts content and catch up on my tv shows and homework. Only one more week of insanity..

Bruises will fade

In my life recently, it has seemed that every second I feel like I'm going in the right direction and I can actually make it, the other shoe drops. Now I  don't mind getting hit in the face by life crap because it just causes a bruise that fades in time and you learn to duck sooner next time. However, the latest life crap scared the living daylights out of me like no ones business.

I got in a car accident last night. The air bags deployed and I quite literally thought I had died for a second. I was so terrified. I was so amazed I came out with just a few bruises and a little sore. I thank God with all my heart that I was wearing my seatbelt.

This whole experience has slapped my face and showed me that I need to slow down in my life. Trying to work and school and social life and family and sleep and drive was slowly headed me to a crash. I didn't think it would be literal, but I guarantee you my level of exhaustion had something to do with the crash. And yes, I was on the phone with my brother. I know now I will never ever ever look at my phone ever while the car is even turned on. Not worth it.

So I'm slowing down. I'm catching up. Missing work to recover sucks for my paycheck, but two days off probably means a lot more productivity than if I had just gone back to work.

Maturity

I got called mature today by an old friend for how I handled the break up of my engagement to Kyle. I have been relatively mature about the whole thing. I mean I don't want to marry someone who isn't right for me. I definitely didn't want to marry into his family. So I did the right thing. I never really saw it as mature, but just as the thing that had to be done. So I guess in a way maturity is being able to distinguish your feelings from the logic and reality of life. Huh.