Tonight

I miss him today. I've made it this far and I don't want to give in now.

He's been absent from my dreams and usually my thoughts too. But tonight, it takes everything I have to not text him. Life is good. I'm happy. That's why I feel the need to talk to him. I haven't been happy without him. This is new to be cut off from him and not be miserable.

On top of everything, I feel pathetic for it taking me so long to be happy on my own. Broken hearts aren't easily healed.

Hard day

I miss Chris a lot today. Idk why but its hard.

On an unrelated note, back to the fifties car show is great.

What it takes

Tell me what it takes to let you go. ...
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away....Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice.

Aerosmith hits it on the head here. Steven has the words that say it all. That's what it takes... Don't look back and the feelings will fade.

Aerosmith!!!

Simply put, the concert last night was the best night of my life. I loved every song and every little quip from Steven. He exclaimed at one point "I fucking love you guys". It rang so true I felt in my soul he meant it. Some lucky audience members got an amazing surprise when the stage was close enough to the sides of the auditorium that Steven thrust himself into the hands of his waiting fans. He sang with his face mere inches from the faces of some very lucky people. I was just so in awe of the performance that my only real words are just "amazing". I loved the experience and I happily embraced the noise and deafness that followed. I nearly cried at points and when he came up out of the stage at that white piano singing dream on i almost lost it. that was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. So, aerosmith continues to live forever in my heart as an amazing concert memory.

The difficulties we face

The difficulties we face in life are different for everyone. For me, I face challenges everyday. I have anxieties that affect the way I live my life. I have a personal battle lately to finally cut the ties with a man I loved more than I loved myself.

I realized that he had texted me. I didn't notice for ten days. I had to double check to be sure it was even his number. I had a choice in that moment. I could give in and answer, or I could delete it and hold firm in letting go of him. I deleted it.

You have to understand that for the last two years. Whenever I was lonely I texted Chris. He was always there when I had no friends around or no one to share my thought with. But he wasn't a friend and he wasn't a lover. He just existed to remind me that we were apart. I never got to heal. Now, I am giving myself a chance to succeed at being whole again.

Cheesy.

I forgot that chris's birthday was the first. I don't want to text him, but knowing that I missed his birthday makes me feel horrible. How cheesy.

How lame is it that I can't even think of the concept of dating without him popping into my head.

I know its not a rebound anymore, but I need a relationship like that to show me that I can be happy with someone else.

But, the worst of all, I can't remember the look of his face or the color of his eyes or the smell of his skin or the sound of his voice. What makes this horrible, is that I am glad I am forgetting but angry at myself for taking so long.