Will I ever feel ok?

Just feeling like my life isn't going in the right direction. I was getting married now I'm not. I was living with friends this year, now I'm not. I was working a retail job, now I'm not (that one is ok though). I feel like my life has just gotten turned upside down and I'm scrambling to land right side up. I know what I want. I know what I need. I'm happy with Kyle and he's happy with me, but I'm so afraid that king, his army battle buddy, will never like me and thus Kyle will never marry me. I can't shake the feeling like its not me that's the problem with getting married. I know Kyle wants us to last and I do too so that I'm ok with waiting to be sure of, but I also know Kyle respects kings opinion and right now, king doesn't like me. He probably is annoyed at ne calling Kyle. He's probably annoyed with me texting Kyle. He's probably annoyed that Kyle and I love each other because from what I can tell, the only woman king respects and cares about is his mom and even that is a stretch. So really... I'm afraid I'll never get the happy ending I dream about. I'm afraid that Kyle won't ever see me in the place in his life that I want to be. I'm scared that I will be abandoned by the man I love because his dumb friend can't get over Kyle being happy with someone and loving them as much as they both love the army.

Just Keep Swimming

I'm doing the right little fishy thing (I'm a pisces, it's an appropriate pun) and I just keep swimming. I could worry and I could fret. But really? It's not worth it. Kyle and I will either be ok or we won't. Mary said I'm putting in too much effort for not enough payback but I don't know how to be with someone and not give my all. Yes, I'll talk to Kyle and tell him I feel like he could do more,but I will never stop trying. That's who I am. You can ask me to quit, but unless I'm ready to quit, I won't give up. I go after the things I want in life and I work hard at what matters to me. That's how I've accomplished so much with school and personal growth. I'm determined to make the best of my life.

Daydreaming

I love my job. Its tiring. Its long. Its frustrating. But the one thing its not is boring. Yes I can think because the button pushing is monotonous but its active enough that I don't over think. That, I love.

Kyle and I are good. We haven't talked since he left but he's sent texts and let me know I'm still being thought of. We need to work on communicating better when he's away but we're still learning.

Well my break is done. Off to screaming children and inner peace.

Back to Normalcy

Life is back to normal for these two days when Kyle is home. It's good to feel safe and comfortable in our relationship again. We aren't out of the woods by any means. We have plenty to work on, but I'm feeling confident that whatever our outcome may be, it will be the right one.

It's nice to be missed and to hear him say I love you again now that he's home. I know that when he's gone this next time (3-17) I will have to work to make sure that I don't lean on him too much when he's gone. I know I need to stay busy and I have plans to do so. I love Kyle so much and I'm willing to work on the flaws in myself that cause us difficulty. I also know that these parts of my personality need to change regardless of a man. I have to work on bettering myself as a person and in doing so I will hopefully show Kyle that I'm not as broken as I first appeared.

I am ready for the challenges I will face as an Army wife. I hope that in these next two trips when Kyle is away that he will see that I can be the wife he wanted and that we will make it together. I am hoping that we still get married in January, but if we postpone it, I'm ok with that too. I'd rather be happy and not married than married and unhappy.