best boyfriend ever

when his ex texted him I was worried. I couldn't understand why he felt so bad at upsetting her by dating me.

not only did we talk it out, but he then proceeded to stay awake to debunk every worry/what if scenario I could come up with so that I could be sure to get some sleep tonight instead of staying up worrying. best. boyfriend. ever. seriously.

do you know how much this means to me?? as someone who suffers from paralyzing obsessive/racing thoughts, this was the best thing someone could have done. he got me to laugh at the impossible ideas and he reassured me about the others. he put my mind to rest and I appreciate him so much for it. :)

I really am with the right guy.

Settling Back In

I love vacations. I really do. I love the traveling and the new sights. I especially love Washington so I couldn't have been on a better vacation, except for Disney, Disney always wins. But all in all, minus some bruises from falling off a ladder, the trip was great.

I'm in the process of trying to settle back in before classes resume tomorrow. I know I was only gone a week, but I feel like it's been months. I've already hit that wall with classes and I'm tired of this year. I have too much to do before it's over. Too many papers to write. Too much to think about. And too much already on the horizon that I'm working on.

I'm slowly trying to prep for the GRE. I know I won't get to go to grad school as soon as I had originally planned, but maybe that is OK  However, if that is the case, I need to start looking for a job around here that I can do to fill time and make enough money to live off of. I'm planning on this being my last summer staying at home (part time because I'll be splitting time at Kyle's). I want to get things in order so that this time next year when I'm facing graduation, I'll be able to have a plan in place for whatever comes next.

Also, being home is great because I severely missed Kyle. I know we haven't been officially dating that long, but things with him are easy. I feel comfortable but just so. I'm nervous sometimes, but that is the best kind of nervous. I'm excited to see where we go and I'm enjoying the journey without focusing on the destination. That is a lot coming from me. He picked me up from the airport and I was so happy to see him. I couldn't have asked for more in a boyfriend. I'm a lucky girl.

Tuesday

Monday was great! I prepped for painting in a recycle house. they bought it back from the family and are now redoing it for a new family.

we spent Monday evening on waterstreet which is like main street. everything was closed but it was cool. we had dinner at the house of one of the volunteers houses. it was great.

everyone is really happy to have us here.

today, I painted the recycle home. I got so messy! but I was the best painter. the professional guy said I do a better job than his workers.so that was cool.

after we made dinner at the church. then walked along the beach. it was beautiful! I took lots of pictures. I'm exhausted now. bed time!

in Washington!

sorry for bad punctuation. I'm on my phone so caps and whatnot is off.

we flew out and the flight was great! I was so excited! I started getting on maks nerves from being so childly excited. but its all good.

Seattle was beautiful weather. I just wanted to stay there and enjoy such clean air!

the drive to port townsend was 2 hours which sucked, but we're all settled in now. I'm excited to start tomorrow! well technically today! Haha

also I got to talk to Kyle a bunch so that made me super happy! :) he's such a sweetheart! he made sure to ask if I was ok after panicking last night. it was nice to hear him ask! :) its going to be hard not being able to talk to him as much when we're here. but it'll make seeing him that much better when I get back! plus he said he'd take me out on a date since he'll be getting his tax return and work bonus :) I kinda like that boy :)

well I should sleep. busy day coming up!!

Why am I being so critical?

I am having a wonderful time with Kyle. He's amazingly sweet. He's funny. We get along real well.

Yet in my head, I'm critical of everything that isn't just like I want it. I'm frustrated with how he tells me about his day then when I go to talk about mine he seems to not listen. Often times, I'll say something like "you know?" and he just doesn't answer. I can hear him talking to Kelsey (his sister) in the background half the time we're on the phone. It's dumb, but like if you call me to talk, talk to me, don't just expect me to sit there on the phone saying nothing. I mean, he may do that because he's comfortable with me and just likes to know I'm there to talk to. It's sweet. I love how much we talk. However, I would like him to pay a little bit better attention to what I'm telling him. We're still getting to know things about each other and I'd like to build good communication too. That being said though, whenever an issue arises, he always very calmly talks it out with me. I respect that so much. It makes me feel so much better whenever we talk like that because I know we're both communicating and working through things. I guess, the every day talk could be a little bit more attentive on his end. I am a big "let's talk about it" kind of person. I spent an hour last night talking things out with Mom. I'd love to be able to turn to him sometime and say "here's what's on my mind.." and have him listen attentively and then help me work through it. It's early, but if he is going to be with me for any length of time he's got to come to the realization that I need to talk stuff out. Even if it is just telling about the cute dress I bought at the mall and how I'm excited for him to see it. (I think I've told him that three times already, but he hasn't acknowledged it yet). I have no complaints when we're together. I have no troubles with anything but the on the phone conversation where I just don't feel heard. Hopefully he gets it sometime.

I also have to acknowledge that I may be looking for trouble because every boyfriend I've had hasn't really been this great by any means. So, I may be critical, but I think the frustration is real. It may just be that I discovered this annoyance by prodding for problems, but regardless of how I discovered it, it is there. I'm sorry Kyle. I'm obsessive and my brain goes wacky sometimes. Poor guy is going to run away screaming someday.

School is crazy right now. The amount of things I'm expected to do over break is crazy and I'm gone so it has gotten crammed into the little time before and after I leave. It's stressful.

Also, for those readers out there who don't know, I'm putting off grad school for a year after I graduate. I just don't have the time to study for the GRE to a point where I feel confident at the moment. I know where I want to apply and what I need to do for it. All the research is done, but I need a little time to collect myself after graduating a year early so I can settle myself into grown up life. I'm unsure about moving away at the moment anyways. I don't mean to be cheesy, but I also would like to give Kyle and I time to grow before just running off and having to break things off. If we're still together when the time comes to make those choices, then we can talk about it and maybe work it out so we can stay together. I want to be sure that everyone is aware that I'm not holding up my plans for him. And I sure as hell won't change my plans for him, but I am considerate of him being in my life. Anyways, that is a good year from now.

So, I leave for Washington in like 8 hours. The good excitement has finally settled in. I'm giddy about getting on that plane and having an adventure. Building houses will be hard work, but it is the most rewarding kind of work I could be doing.

I will try to post updates on here so that everyone can stay in the know without me having to tell the story twelve times. Kyle hasn't gotten my blog yet, but I might send him a link so all you readers out there be nice to the new member! :P

Now to finish up some homework and away I go!! :)

I leave tomorrow.

I'm off to Washington to build houses for habitat for a week. I won't be able to keep in contact much, but I'm going to enjoy the trip. I deserve fun for once. I deserve some distance.

I find it funny that senior year of high school, I ran off to Washington. Now, it just so happens that I'm stressed and anxious here now and off to Washington I go.

Enjoy the springtime.

Why NOW!!?

Stupid anxiety... this is just getting worse and worse as time goes on. I have tried all my old anxiety tricks and nothing is working. My heart feels like its racing most of the day. It is hard to breath normal. I'm constantly hot or cold. I have no appetite. This is ridiculous. If I knew what it was I would fix it, but I've got nothing. :( I just feel like I'm slowly dying. I should be over the moon about the new relationship and my trip to washington. I should be excited that I'm doing well in classes. I should be happy with no worries. Why now does my anxiety get so horrible??

Let It Be

The beatles rock. Let it be. :)

Anxiety Always Wins

No matter how good of a moment I am having, there is anxiety. Anxiety about the next test. The weather. My friends. Grades. Family. Am I going the right direction? Did I close the window enough before I left? Will I get into grad school? Will things with Kyle stick or will I find myself heart broken again?

Even in his arms, I just felt anxious. But, I forced myself to take a breath, let it out, and curl in tighter. I haven't told him how much I worry. It will only push him away. My worries are my problem. Part of being a partner in a relationship is knowing how to take care of yourself so you can be there for the other person. It isn't easy. But, this time around, I'm trying to keep my worries down and my chin up. I'm trying to be the dependable one not the dependent one. I will always jump to conclusions when I don't receive a text or a call. That's who I am, but I won't let those feelings interfere with something so good.

So anxiety always wins, but I won't let it win everything. In my head is fine, but not outside.

Uh Oh

So... Kyle called after drill. It was great to hear him. :)

He was telling me about how he wants to be a drill sergeant. To do this, he'd have to go away to "school". Then it would be working fulltime like 18 hour days. I said go for it. I want him to be happy and I know it's what he wants. I mentioned how I want to go away to Grad school. He said he could take me with him. I had a mini heart attack. I love how sincere and hopeful he is. I feel so guilty now though. In my head, I just kept thinking... now is the time to cut your losses and run. You don't want to get in too deep and then get hurt again Hannah... But somehow, I can't. I like him. And we have time before those things happen. Sure, it's scary, but I know it could work out and be so amazing.

I feel like a grown up and a child all at the same time. And I don't know which is worse.

past, present, future

dear Hannah in 2011,

you were finishing high school this year. you were in so much pain. your insides felt so broken. I know the agony that walking through the halls caused you. I know how you skipped every football game. I know how you avoided prom. I know how you walked with your head down and tears streaming down your face. but I also know how much you grew as a person that year. you helped tiffany so much. you were kind and faithful in a world that treated you like nothing. you proved them all wrong. you graduated honorably. you got into a perfect school for you. you made new friends and started over. you still loved a boy though. in 2011, you still believed that he would always love you. two year later, I'm here to tell you he doesn't. I'm here to tell you I'm proud of how much you have over come. and I'm proud of your dedication and perseverance. you make it some day. I promise.

dear Hannah of 2013,

you graduate next year. you are working so hard and have such big goals. you have a very sweet boyfriend who is pretty cute if I do say so. you have a best friend again. she's your roommate and the two of you are hilarious together. you are smart and are learning how to handle life as it comes. you still believe in love, but you know now that it isn't going to make or break the world. you learned how to love yourself first. you are working on boundaries right now. sometimes you get excited and say too much. but sometimes you get scared and say not enough. you are happy. you are also very lucky to have so many people who love you for you. never doubt that.

dear Hannah in 2015,

hopefully I find you in grad school getting your masters to be a psychologist. or maybe you are in the peace corps now. either way, I hope you are working towards something. I wonder if you are still dating Kyle. if you are, wow, congrats. that's two years. good job. I hope you are happy if you are with someone (Kyle or otherwise) or if you are single don't feel pressure. you are only 22. you have years to fall in love and get married. or maybe you got married already. who knows. I just hope you can look back on everything and smile, knowing that you've made it wherever you are and you're going somewhere wherever that may be.

I'm a lucky girl

I have been lucky enough to find a man who genuinely likes me. I have gotten the chance to be someone's someone. I never thought I would be here after high school. But, I'm proud to say I've got me a legit BOYFRIEND! and he's cute so that's a bonus. plus he lets me do my type a thing as he flows on with his type b thing. :) going to bed ten times happier than before.

also, I prayed tonight. it felt good.

Struggling

There is so much in my head right now. I don't even know where to start to work towards goals. Things are so intertwined. I desperately need no homework and just one day to close my eyes for five minutes without thinking. I'm so buried in coursework right now that I am actually behind. I never get behind in class. I actually forgot to do some homework the other day. I felt so bad for forgetting. I'm not the student that forgets. I'm the student who always turns things in weeks early.

I have been enjoying hanging out with Kyle lately. I really like him. He makes me laugh and we get along so well. He's not afraid to tease me and I love how it just makes everything between us so much fun. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time. I'm not ever sure what to do with him. I don't know how to be in a grown up relationship. I don't know what I'm doing. Despite that terrifying me, it's exhilarating. However, Kyle does happen to get in the way of my sleep usually and thus affects my performance in class and on homework. I don't want him to go away. I just need to get my type A ass in gear and get a schedule working. But, Kyle is the go with the flow guy so he has a tendency to avoid plans. Strange how the opposites attracted here.

Today, I sat down at my computer and something just called me to play Christian music. I just felt this need to feel God or the universe or whatever close to me. I'm trying to find someplace I can ground myself amid all the hectic life around me. I know I have left God seemingly far behind. I have made choices he would not agree with. However, I am a human. I make mistakes. I follow a whim and end up in a bad place sometimes. But someone once told me, "If you ask God for forgiveness and mean it, he will grant it". I don't know how true that is. And the threat of hell if he doesn't forgive me doesn't scare me. I'll be dead. What'll I know? But I want the peace that comes from knowing that someone in this world listens and doesn't judge. Psychologically speaking, I'm dealing with a bit of confusion over my feelings for Kyle because the last time I felt like this was with Chris and look how well that turned out. I'm trying very hard to hold the scary, needy, annoying, persistent, and easily hurt Hannah inside and it's slowly killing me. I'm also stressing about school and that in turn makes me anxiety bad and my depression comes back. I can feel it sinking into my being and I hate that. I know I should stop and relax so I don't lose it. I just can't right now. I know I'm not going to have another senior year moment, but the terror and those feelings are inside me. I can't shake them and that scares me. I will talk to Mary about this on Tuesday, but in the mean time, I'm on my own.

I Think I Have A Boyfriend?

So, I worked up my courage last night while Kyle was over to ask him if we could be officially dating. He ignored me question at first which annoyed me. But, then he starts by saying "I don't have a fear of committment". In my head I'm thinking oh boy great start here Hannah. Then he follows up and says not right now because there supposedly are "vultures circling" his facebook page. I wittily responded with "I never said on facebook, I'd have to break up with Mak on there and that would break her heart" Then, (I'm a little confused here because I have poor hearing and he was whispering) he said then I suppose I could be your boyfriend. At least, that's what I think I heard. I don't really know how to ask and confirm this without sounding like a) a creep b) needy c)stupid. So, I'm thinking I just let it go, but in the mean time I can think in my head that I've got me a boyfriend. I think?

Some memories don't have to hurt.

I'm learning the joy of taking a memory in stride. I have lived through many moments of strong emotion, both good and bad. Music and sounds and smells will remind me of high school or that old ex. Sometimes I remember being a kid and just playing in the yard. I used to read so much into everything I would remember. I'm just taking it for what it is. I never knew how pleasant it can be to just take it in and let it go without obsessing first. :)

Good Times

I went on a date. Yes, you heard that right. And even more amazing, I let go of my obsessive worry wart tendencies and just stayed in the moment. It was wonderful. I haven't laughed and enjoyed getting to know someone like that in ages. He asked to see me again. He said he would like me to see his parents house sometime. Things are looking really great here. He's sweet. He opened doors for me. He paid for dinner. He had manners and didn't talk with his mouth full. He is awesome. I just had to share my happiness with the world a little bit over here in my corner of the internet. :)

Getting crafty

I needed a headband. So I whipped one up out of an old tee shirt and a hair band. :)