Sleep and sun downing

Sleep is a fundamental part of being human. Our bodies require mass amounts of rest to function at the level they need to when we're awake. Sleep repairs tissues and resets digestion and pain. Sleep allows the mind to fold in on itself and process the stimulation and information from the day. Sleep allows production of serotonin and dopamine. It allows our brain chemistry to regulate.

Towards the end of the day, our body begins to give us signs we need sleep. We yawn and rub our tired eyes. We stretch and feel the fatigue in our bodies. Our brain releases melatonin and tells us we are tired. Our brain also begins to inhibit the function of our decision and impulse control. We lose the ability to think and act rationally as the sun sets everyday. For some this causes laughter and giddiness. For others more pensive quiet reflection. And still, for some it causes magnification of depression, feelings of loneliness, and anxiety.

In patients with dementia and alzheimers, the effect of symptoms worsening at night is called sundowning. I postulate though, that this effect happens in all people, especially those with mental health concerns preexisting.

This explains why, the later I am awake, the more I creep on Facebook on the profiles of those who have scorned, hurt, or rejected me. This explains why I feel sad when I crawl in bed. This explains the difficulty in holding the pain inside long enough to fall asleep without crying sometimes. I sundown every day. I am more apt to text boys I shouldn't (Chris) and say things I shouldn't (like lets hang out evil ex boyfriend that ruined my senior year and continues to be an asshole going on three years later) and be disappointed in my lack of contact at night (getting mad and begging when said asshole can't hang out (thank god)). I am then mad at myself for a poor choice that, yes I made the choice, I now regret. My defenses were down and I can try to excuse it but I can't. I made a fool of myself in trying so hard to talk to and see asshole. I am ashamed of my failure and I feel saddened by the disappointment from some readers. But life moves forward continually. I am always learning. I was doing well when his number wasn't in my phone. I feel it needs to go away again. Poof! Gone.

So sleep is vital and sundowning happens. I will get my sleep to minimize the poor choices that a tired and lonely Hannah makes.

Self-Doubt, Hard Times, and Maybe a Little Self-Hatred

I'm trying to write a proposal for the ACTC English Majors Conference. I'm struggling to find something worth submitting. I'm doubting my ability to write a decent proposal. I doubt that I will even come up with enough of anything to submit.

I've been having hard times lately. I can feel myself slowing down and my appetite is off. I have been getting headaches almost everyday. I can't sleep and I feel like I'm drifting off from the solid place I was standing on. I am aware that what I'm feeling isn't a good sign. I know this seems like I'm falling back into a bad place again. I'm fighting for myself this time. I won't let the sadness and anxiety take over and wreck what I have going for me. When I'm awake now, I try to throw myself into every opportunity. I don't want to give myself time to sit down and breathe because the minute I do, I know I will lose control over myself and I will wallow and cry and circulate my problems and ruminate on things I can't do or can't fix. Instead of allowing those flood gates to open, I'm taking one drop out of the dam at a time. I am working through problems and feelings individually. I'm trying to practice mindfulness. When I feel a thought taking over I breathe and feel my body tense at its pain. I watch objectively as my thought becomes pain in my body. I breathe it out. I reason with myself and explain why I feel what I do, then I let the thought go. There is no use in obsessing over things I can't change.

I have to admit, not having any alone time over j-term has caused a build up of stuff and I honestly think this has contributed to the discomfort I feel. But, j-term is almost over.

Now, there is a little self hatred at work here as well.  I have a tendency to get myself involved with people who aren't the best for me. I am smart, but I make dumb choices in people. I have horrible social skills. And I resent myself so  much for the way that I get so easily caught up with other people.

Lastly, I had a moment of gut wrenching, almost going to throw up, sob my heart out, sadness, emptiness, and pain. I was listening to some song on shuffle, I swear I wasn't wallowing, and I don't even remember what line it was, but something made me realize that I am scared to love someone. I am absolutely terrified to care about someone that much. And then I was so sad at this realization. I have never felt so broken in my entire life. It was like I was back on the couch at home when I barely moved and just didn't care about living at all. It took all of my efforts to stop myself and sit up and shake it off. I looked over at my desk and the sign I put up from Perks of Being a Wallflower made so much sense. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I haven't dated anyone since Chris. I haven't let anyone love me because I didn't love myself. I felt like because of where I had been, that no one should love someone as broken and sad as me. I felt like I didn't deserve anything but a passing encounter beneath the sheets of a dorm room bed. I felt like that was all I was worth because of how much I had fallen apart before. I put myself back together, sure, but I didn't  like who I was still.

I know now that I am not complete. This is not the end of a bad story. It is the middle of a great one. I am working on my flaws and I am aware that I am not perfect. No one is. I know I will make more mistakes and all this realization is helpful, but not going to fix anything. It is up to me to start loving myself like I deserve. I need to believe that I am worth something. I am worth more than being used. I am worth more than the pain I have experienced in my life. My past happened. But it's where I go from here that matters.

time for me

I'm trying to get back in the habit of making time for me. I've been suffering because I haven't been giving my needs the attention they deserve. I've been pushing myself to take care of so much and I've failed to take care of myself so I can continue working hard. I'm taking some time now and it's great. :)

Maybe?

Just one kiss. If it was only that easy. Why is it that the simplest thing, a kiss, is so hard to get the courage to do?

feeling down

I know I get down sometimes and I know I can pick myself up again in the morning. Sometimes at night, when the stars don't shine here and remind me that I'm just a little fish in this big ocean of life, I have a hard time reminding myself the morning will be brighter. I wish, on nights like this, to be 16 again. I wish to  be innocent and oblivious and head over heels in love and staring at the stars feeling like anything is possible. I wish I could visit the 17/18 year old me that used to drive down the wrong side of the road just praying for a car to come. I wish I could tell the scared and anxious elementary school kid that you will have friends. I wish, on nights like this, that I could run far far away. Far away where the lights fade and the air is the only sound I hear. If I got to  run that far, I'd lay back on soft grass and watch the stars and feel the grass slowly tickling me until I itch. I'd make wishes on falling stars that something wonderful would happen. I'd dream of memories of watching stars in the arms of someone I once loved. I'd dream of someday laying in my own little yard in suburbia watching the stars with my kids showing them the magic of the world just out of our reach. I wish, on nights like this, to be a star. I wish I was strongest at night when the world falls asleep and the dreamers are making wishes. I wish I was a wish.

A movie all should see.

I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower today. I cried for at least half of it.

This boy is depressed and then he finds these friends who make him see life is worth living. Then the girl he loves leaves for college and he falls into deep depression. He gets sent to a mental hospital and he begins to learn that our past can't change but where we go from here can change.

There's a big plot twist but I don't want to ruin it.

The best line from the movie is when Charlie, the guy, asks his teacher why people love those who aren't right for them his teacher says "people accept the love they feel they deserve". Its a beautiful lesson about loving yourself and remembering that we choose what we deserve.

All in all I felt so moved by this movie that I had to say something. Its out in February but if you can't wait find it on the internet.

Smash Book

I got a smash book journal for Christmas from my aunt. I've been  writing in there some of my more personal thoughts and complaints and it's felt good to have that stuff out without hurting anyone's feelings. I probably won't be blogging as much anymore. Oh well. Those who know me and care enough will know what's going on.

This year feels like a year of answers and personal growth. I feel like I'm going to be discovering a lot of myself this year. I even considered studying abroad for next j-term. we'll see... (Katie.. no happy dancing yet, but you put the idea in my head).

I'm not making big resolutions. I'm simply saying I want to watch what I say more and make more meaningful relationships.

2013 will be one for the books.