Some Serious Thoughts

I've been thinking about a few things lately that I've come to understand more as I've grown up. Grant it, I'm far from being completely independent and a total adult, but I consider myself a grown up now. I'm learning a lot about who I am lately. I'm starting to see what has shaped me into who I am.

I am a lot of things. I am first and foremost a wonderful friend. I may not be the most social person or really extroverted at all. However if you befriend me; you've got a friend for life. I am loyal and caring. I am the person who will drop everything and be at your side through thick and thin. I am reliable. I stick with my word and I try very hard to be honest. I may not have many friends, but the quality is far more important than quantity to me.

I am going to be a great psychologist because of this someday. I will be helpful and kind. I will be there for other people who may not be so lucky as to have a friend to call on. I will help resolve personal issues (much like I do now for my girlfriends) and help to overcome fears.

I have overcome many obstacles. I have had my heart broken. I have been rejected. I have been abandoned. I have been stuck with my own debilitating fears and worries. But I have overcome all of these things.

I have had my heart broken, but I learned about love. I also learned how to love myself by being hurt so deep. I learned to rely on my own self for happiness and not on anyone else. I have learned how to talk and share personally with someone. Chris may have hurt me a lot, but I thank God for him every day. He is one of those people that were so perfect and so wrong at the same time. God gave him to me as a means of teaching me how to love and become the person I am today.

I have been rejected by those who I thought were going to always accept me. I was rejected by Chris for a long time and just now we are starting over as friends. (I asked him his favorite color the other day. We haven't just talked like that in years.) Rejection hurts. I learned to protect myself. I also learned that sometimes, if you make walls so high, no one will dare scale them to reach you. I have learned about expectations through rejection.

I was rejected by Katie in a way as well. I had an expectation of this woman instantly being proud and loving me for who I was. But, I had to prove myself to her. I didn't know how to make her see that despite my problems in my life, I was a person worthy of her love. I expected Katie to become a strong part of my life in college and onward. I have been proven wrong. I have talked with my friends and family a lot about her. I believe that I am going where I need to. If Katie wants to be part of my life she can put in the effort as I have tried to. I can also understand that when Katie and I began to talk as I became an adult, I was not in a good place. She did not get to see my best self. She needs to understand that, just because I have faced problems and very near failed a lot of challenges, I am ok. She needs to understand that I am good now and I plan to stay good. She needs to understand that I understand if she wants to move forward in our lives, on separate paths. I respect her desire for her own family, life, friends, existence. I will be sad if she chooses to move forward without me, but I feel as if she has already made that choice. I am worthy of a relationship where I am allowed to be the young adult who is still learning and still feel loved and supported. I should not be criticized or punished for not being ok one hundred percent of the time. I hope that Katie will read this and understand my desire for things to be good for both of us. I harbor no hard feelings for her. I just want everything to be able to move forward.

I have been abandoned. This singular fact has irreparably shaped my life. I know I was put into my family for my best interest, but in my deepest heart of hearts I will never understand how a parent can give up a child. I know without a doubt in my heart that I would drop everything and give everything for any child I have the blessing to have in my life, whenever I have them. I do not judge or fault or intend to hurt anyone with this. I simply mean to express that I do not understand and this has caused me a massive amount of pain. I do not lack for love and I do not wish for a different life. I have an internal fear that I will always be left. I cannot believe that anyone truly will stay by my side forever. It is an internal battle I fight every day. I have been abandoned by friends and family. Basically everyone from high school left me on the ground broken and bleeding and kicked me on the way out the door. I have been intimately hurt by Chris and the horrible way he treated me when I was dealing with many of my deepest issues at once. I don't understand how people can give up on someone when they clearly need help the most. I am just not that way and I don't understand for the life of me why people abandon their friends and family when they need help or just someone to be there for them. I don't understand, but this continues to cause me anxiety and fear in my life.

I have fears of being left alone, abandoned, rejected, broken, and made fun of. I'm terrified of the dark, clowns, puppets, marionettes, and dolls. I'm intensely frightened of making new friends and being in unfamiliar situations. I am claustrophobic and highly anxious in social situations. I have OCD and when I get stressed out I clean and straighten and organize and spend countless hours and energy counting numbers in my head and counting my steps and listening to the sound of my feet on the ground when I walk and feeling off balance because I stepped on a crack with one foot and not the other. I have feet that never sit still. My toes twitch and my feet tap and if you try to get me to stop moving my feet I bite the inside of my lip so much it bleeds and becomes raw. I have psoriasis and it flares when I get stressed and as I become more stressed about it flaring up I itch and it makes it ten times worse. I have such bad anxiety in the mornings that I can't get out of bed for a few minutes until I can start to feel my lungs working again. I am afraid I will lose my handle on everything again and get called crazy. Despite all my problems, I am not crazy. I am thriving. I am handling everything and interpersonal issues too, everyday. The next time you ask me if I'm ok or if things are going good, remember these things before you judge me for complaining that I'm stressed out. A little stress for me becomes compounded by all these things and turns into a circular worry in my head that will refuse to leave. My head is a very, very, frantic place. But I am happy.

I am so good right now. I am doing well in almost all my classes, minus evil theory course..... I am enjoying friendships that are for once returning the effort I put into them. I am living in a place where I feel safe and comfortable. I am writing and learning new things about my poetry again. I am discovering all these things about myself and it feels good to know why I am who I am.

I never understood why I feel everything so much more deeply than others, until now. I love deeper, hurt deeper, feel deeper than everyone else because I know what it is like to have those things taken from your grasp. I know what it is like to not understand what you feel because you can't separate yourself from your feelings. I am an emotional person. I feel things before I understand them. This is my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. I know emotions like the back of my hand because I wear them on my sleeve. I understand people on an emotional level and this often makes things hard for me. I cannot just talk to someone superficially. That feels empty and unfulfilling. I make friendships based on an emotional place that I feel safe. Crowds frighten me because there is so much going on that I have no safe place to stand. I fear being abandoned because I know that the pain it causes hurts me to the core, every time. I have anxiety and all those other things because I am constantly on alert of any danger threatening to hurt the stable place inside myself where I have finally allowed myself to grow from.

Above all of this, I have realized I am not broken. I am not a part of a person I once was. I am not missing any pieces. I am a whole, strong, and beautiful person. I am determined to show the best me to the world everyday.

I again stress that I do not intend to hurt anyone and I am not judging anyone. I am just sharing the valuable things I have learned about who I am.So I pose this question, Who are you?

I Almost Do

Oh Taylor Swift, what did girls do before you came along and voiced our broken hearts in so many songs??

I actually really like this song though. It fits my life and it also helps me stay strong. I want to call you, but I won't. I almost do, but I don't.

Maybe I try to control things too much. Let's let the reigns go and see what happens... haha maybe not.

Migraines..

I have gotten migraines pretty seriously the last few years. I get tunnel vision and eventually, if advil doesn't save me, I won't  be able to see. I get dizzy and experience the worst sensation of my pulsing brain in my head. However, I haven't felt truly nauseous until today.

I woke up with a migraine. I already could barely see. When I sat up it took a full minute before I could hear anything besides the blood in my ears. I tried to crawl my sorry butt out of bed, but to my dismay, I am top bunk. So, internal preparations accomplished, I jump down, fall down, lay on the floor for a minute. Then as I try to sit up again, I get the most horrendous feeling of nausea. I almost lost it right there on the floor. So, again I carried sorry little Hannah into the bathroom at 5:30am and sat on the floor trying to no avail to release my stomach contents to the porcelain god. I gave up an hour later. I tried a nice hot shower, but standing up was no good. Back to bed I thought,  but laying down was no good. So at 8am,  I curled upright in my chair and fell asleep until 9am. Then Mak had to leave (off to NDSU, drive safe roomie. my thoughts are with you). So now, I am awake and extremely in pain.

Happy midterm break to me....

No, THIS is why we can't be friends.

I can't be friends with someone who isn't there. I'm 19 imaginary friends aren't cute anymore.

Don't get me wrong here, I expect no response and not to hear from you now for months on end. I'm not upset or anything. I just find it very amusing that out of all our issues the main problem is lack of consistent talking that prohibits our friendship.

Also, I finished the horrible paper today. I'm a happy camper. :)

Goodnight world! I'm gonna sleep so I can kick your ass more tomorrow! :) sweet dreams everyone.

Soooooo excited for the new Aerosmith album...

They have been releasing songs one at a time through Rolling Stone magazine. Today's song "Tell Me" is awesome. There are going to be some serious weeks following when I buy that cd... :)

Just had to say that.

Also, I love the concern I generate from friends and family with my life choices. I respect your concerns and apologize for making anyone feel uneasy. I'm on a good path here and everything is a step forwards.

This Is Why We Can't Be Friends

Intermittent Reinforcement. This little psychological fact is the cause of all my problems.

Intermittent Reinforcement means that if you have a bunny in a cage and sometimes when you open the cage you give it a treat and other times you hit it, the bunny is always going to come running when the cage is open because it doesn't know what it's going to get. 

I am the bunny. Guess who is the person feeding/hurting the bunny? Oh did you say Chris? Yeah....

I made it three months. Whoever said when breaking an addiction give it 90 days and it will be easier to resist, lied. I always make it three months then I give in. No I jump in. There is something about this guy. I hate him, but love him at the same time. I am the very stupid bunny. I walk right into the hand that slaps me. He barely has to try anymore. 

I am pathetic. I let him in. I lie to myself and say this time will be different. This time we'll just catch up as friends. This time I won't let the flirting get the best of me. This time I won't say yes. This time.... and every time, it isn't different. I am a stupid bunny. I told him we're probably going to be going back and forth between sleeping together, talking, and not talking until we die. He agreed! In what world is it ok that the most fulfilling and empty relationship I have ever had is this one?

He always leaves a little twist before he goes. Here is this time's twist: He hugged me goodbye. Multiple times. He looked me in the eye while talking as he said goodbye. When I said that we've been pulling this little dance for two years now, he said really? I said yes. I said do you feel old? He said he's only 19. I said yeah but can you believe we've done this for two years? and he says he'll think about it when he's less fucked up (he was high). Now WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? 

So while you all are cyber strangling me for doing this little thing ALL OVER AGAIN just know that I stopped caring. I will be the stupid bunny. I'm ok with being the stupid bunny. In fact, I like being the stupid bunny. Despite sounding dumb, the good is really good and the bad is really bad, but the really good is better now than the really bad. And, I am a stronger person. 

I am a grown up. I can make my own choices. I am working hard in school. I am allowed to do what I want within the confines of the law and as far as the law is concerned... I've done no wrong. 

I am not crying now. I am not contemplating life. Nothing has changed because of him.I put no parts of my life or myself on hold for him. I am all for me. I made a choice and I stand by that choice. You can judge me out there. You can lecture me and give me or him hell. But it won't change my choice. It won't change my happiness. It won't change the fact that the world only turns one way, forward not back. If you dislike it, stop reading my posts. I force my opinions or life stories on no one. I share my thoughts for the sake my self and the need to write. I let the words sort my thoughts. 

So my dear friend Chris... This Is Why We Can't Be Friends.

This is why we can't have nice things....

I'm clumsy and I trip a lot. I drop things repetedly and sometimes I just can't help but fall out of my chair. I break things and I'm broken myself.

See, there is so much pressure in society to be like everyone else and to fit in. There is this force that carries young adult society along that seems to be pushing for every girl to be blonde with big boobs and a petit little butt. There is slowly becoming no niche for the people who aren't what society wants, but also who aren't completely weird. I'm in this in-between. I want to fit in and have lots of friends and be that person that everyone knows, but deep at heart, I want my few friends that I like and that's it.

Now the reason I bring this up is because of boys. The cute ones never date the weirdos, thankfully I don't hang out with them. And the ugly ones are hopeless. The average guys think they can date the above average girls, but in reality they should be catching girls in my little social area of average. I sound shallow, but these people are shallow. I have yet to find a cute guy that a) does not have psychological issues b) does not want to just have sex c) isn't stupid d) is caring and sweet. This makes me frustrated. I want to disregard the attractiveness factor, but the truth is I can't. If I find someone unattractive I'm not going to want to date them. So, because of my standards or whatever you'd like to call them, I cannot have nice things.

The little romantic.

There is a tiny part of me that desperately wishes that Chris would not give up and fight for me. I want him to show up here with flowers saying he's sorry and lets give it another go. In a small place in my heart, I really wish for that.

But it is unrealistic. That's not who he is. My life isn't a movie. I can dream that little dream every night but it won't happen.

More of my heart is hopeful for someone new. I'm hopeful for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. I want to fall in love again. I want to feel my head spin and my heart race. I want something new. I deserve something good and new. That is what I will really wish for.

Now if I could just get that little part of my heart to stop screaming, I might be able to sleep tonight without an empty dream...

Little butt nub...

So, I have had an eventful day. I not only read some stuff on my articles to better understand them, but I also finished homework for next week already.

This evening, while relaxing for a well deserved break, I met new friends. They were studying in the elevator when I went to do laundry. I proceeded to invite them back to our room. Tried to subtly flirt (notes about that from roommate tomorrow) and ended up going upstairs to their dorm to watch zoolander, play n64, and give a massage to the guy I think is cute. He then told me and everyone else in the room that it was "the best massage ever, and better than any sex he's had". So that was awesome.

We then adventured to get food after the movie over to our dining hall. I grabbed my phone as I had left it down in my room. I had a text from Chris.

Now relax my now tense readers. I did not respond at once. He had texted 4 hours ago from when I saw it. The message was this "hey long time no talk!" my response? "yeah."

So fret no more, yes my heart quickened and my hands started to sweat, but in all honesty, I was ok not engaging with him. Sure I miss us talking but I'm moving on now. I don't need to set my life back ten steps just because I miss an old friend. Now is not his time. Now is my time.

On an unrelated note, I officially turned in my major declaration today! Psychology here I come!

Geeking out

So,  I just did my run through of classes for the next year and a half of my life. I love the feeling when I schedule everything and I complete a manageable plan of study. School is my place. I love classes and even homework sometimes. I'm determined to succeed despite the immense challenges some classes pose for me.

I also seriously love P!nk's new album. It's so awesome. I love how P!nk makes a strong case for women and doesn't let her music become just the pop crap that is usually on the radio. I respect her big time.

That's all for the moment. Now back to zizek and his evil article.... Why do I care about any of his stuff?? Oh right, cause evil prof gave us evil reading assignments. totally makes sense. GERRRRRRR!!!!

Letting me work the way I do best.

So, I've been obsessing over this class. I've been trying intensely to read the articles super critically and take meticulous notes. I gave up trying to do that this evening cause I just was tired. I read through 4 of the 5 articles in roughly 3 ish hours and I understood it better than when I tried to read them carefully.

My fear of doing horrible actually was inhibiting me from doing the best work that I normally can do. Huh.

Also, I went to MOA today with Brooke and Melissa and Diana. It was actually a really good time. I feel pretty comfortable with these girls and they don't force me to go out of my comfort zone. I'm really happy with how my life is starting to pan out.

Lastly, I am so thankful for my courage in the face of my anxiety and depression. In all honesty these last few weeks for me have been very trying and tiring. I've felt very sad and there were days where I didn't think I could get out of bed, but I remembered to have courage. God has granted me the ability to be strong when things are tough. I never would have agreed if He offered me the choice to experience my life the way I have to become the person I am, but He knew best and has gotten me to a good place in life.

Try

I used to say never give up if you love someone. But that's wrong. There is a point where you have to learn the big hard lesson that some things just can't be fixed, not even by love.

That lesson is something I am constantly learning. Sometimes I especially need to say I can give up I can give in I can do for me despite feelings or stubborn thoughts.

I am the maker of my own karma. I just have to try.

AHHHHHH

First, Mary (my lovely therapist) noticed that I've gained weight. Seriously, this literary and cultural theory class is stressing me out and I'm stress eating. Gerr.

Second, I have another paper for said evil class due on wednesday. No prompt yet. No articles yet. Thursday is homework day for me. Get on it prof.

Anxiety building... Beware of explosions.

I'm so stressed and anxious. Walking across campus for a meeting with a favorite professor scared me so bad I had to stop and collect myself.

I hate my brain chemistry. I hate my introvert needs. I hate my scattering of thoughts when I need them most.

Praying for courage.

You know...

I found old pictures hidden away on Facebook. I smiled at the old memories then moved on.

I want to text Chris. I want to know how he is. But I won't. My life is finally moving forward. I'm not going to set myself back.

I miss him from time to time, but only for fleeting moments. I realize now that I did love Chris, but not in a way that would let me grow up to be a strong individual. I'm doing my thing now. I'm following my dreams. Always dream my tattoo says... I'm dreaming big now.

Just not understanding...

I still feel as if I have failed. I have no confidence in my work anymore. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I can't write any poetry and it literally hurts. I'm stuck in this horrible loop in my head of failure, obsession, and more failure. I'm afraid to write again in case I fail. I want to give up. I want to hide and erase this horrible last week or so. This is not ok.

I'm trying to do homework. It just isn't coming.

Obsessive compulsive disorder

This nasty thing causes a large part of my anxiety. I never can just let things go. I obsess and go over things in my head literally millions of times before I can do anything.

Like this bad grade. I'm seriously suffering here. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about how this grade affects the rest of my life plans. Call me crazy but it does. I can't stop worrying that I'm going to fail at this class and in turn that stresses me out and I'm bound to do worse. This is not a good situation.

So, ocd... You suck!

A C-!!!!!!

What. The. Hell.

I thought i was understanding my difficult literary and cultural theory class. guess not. my first paper that I got back was a fucking c-! this is not ok. on any level. I never get such average grades! this is my smart ass little academically graceful brain we're talking about.

I desperately want to fix this. I want to rewrite it and butter up the professor, but it won't help. This is a life lesson. There are things that we will fail at. Even things we are really good at will still go wrong sometimes. So what if I don't get an A in this class. It is one class. In the grand scheme of things one class won't kill. Accepting that some things are out of my reach is ok. I don't have to be a perfect student to be a perfect me. I am more than a good grade. Grant it, i've never had a bad grade. like ever. on anything. but there is a first for everything.

C-.... Below average my ass.

Wax Hands

I made wax hands today at this event for students. It was super cool. Until I played with them too much and broke one. Now I'm sad and my OCD is screaming at me to fix it!

Also, I am mentally exhausted. I have a presentation tomorrow and I'm just not able to sleep tonight. I need brain power, but my body won't let me.

Side note: I'm trying this whole, let's be natural and clean thing. That means: no birth control pills (i'm not dumb, and no one wants to sleep with me anyways so no worries), no more vitamins up the wazoo, and also no unneccessary pain killers or sleep medicine. This means that my headaches are becoming a serious pain in the ass. And sleep sucks.

Rest In Peace

I lost a dear friend today. My cat Rocky passed away last night. He was with our family for 12 years. Whenever I was sad he was always there to cuddle up in my lap and make sure everything was alright. We knew this was coming because he had lost a lot of weight and not been eating. But still it is a sad day. I'm especially sad because I never really got to say goodbye. It will be hard to go home and not have him there sitting on the bottom step welcoming me home. He was an amazing cat and friend. I can remember the way he used to lean his head into my hand whenever I scratched his chin in just the spot I knew he loved. Dad is going to bury him in sight of the bathroom window. He used to love laying on the rug beneath the window in the sun. Rest in Peace Rocky. You will be really sorely missed. :(

Rocky

2001-2012

No sleep.

I laid in bed from 10pm- 2am last night before I gave up on sleep. I then proceeded to do homework in bed for 2 hours. At 4am I attempted sleep again. Still took me another hour to fall asleep. I don't understand. The kicker is that I woke up this morning and wasn't really even tired. I just don't understand!