My Friday Night

So, I have been texting an old friend of mine this week. We've been trying to get together to hang out sometime. Last night finally worked out and he came over to hang out, watch a movie, and just catch up.

I have no regrets. I have no questions. I have no confusion. I have some feelings, but not any of the bad ones. One thing though has me hung up slightly. He hugged me and told me, "Being single gets lonely sometimes". What?

I could analyze that statement to the worlds end, but my thought is this. Sometimes is only sometimes. Lonely happens when you don't have a significant other. I was convieniently there to hug. At the end of the day, I'm still single and so is he.

This being said, I told him to go to a party instead of staying the night with me cuddling like old times. Good choice on my part, but still. I wonder if maybe I have changed enough in my perception of him that I know what I need to do to stay ok. Sending him away is something I would never have willingly done before, and yet, this time, it just slipped right out of my mouth. Although I cried a few tears when he hugged me after I said he should go, I felt good. I cried because he was feeling bad and hugged me so sweet. But, cheesy moment aside, he left.

Now, if he texts me like he said he would I'll believe this whole friendship thing. If not, it was a fun night that didn't leave me feeling like dog shit the next morning. I'd say overall, my night was good.

Oh, my one little proud moment. When he said he felt like an asshole for leaving my response was perfect. "Chris, I don't expect anything more than asshole from you". Boom. Roasted!

bed by 9

Sometimes, I get lucky and end up with the things for the week done a little before I need them and I can get some time to sleep. Mostly, I'm tired tonight because I'm bored. The lacrosse girls are at a game. Paige had class. Autumn is working. Kirsten left. I'm alone and the quiet is awesome for about an hour then it's just too much. No texting buddy to bother. No friend to call in times of lonliness. Not a single person I can dedicate my extra time to.

Now, this is a lot about my choices. If I had more motivation, I could go work out. If I had more energy, I could start my next few scrapbook pages. If I had better connections with friends, someone would be here.... oh well.

Its bed time in my mind. Good night world!

hard time tonight

I should be sleeping, but I'm wide awake and kinda sad. I miss my family. I miss my friends at school. I'm thinking I need to leave Kirsten. She is a great friend, but the judgements and the gossip and so much opinion is not healthy for me. I already deal with self doubt and criticism. I don't need her to criticize me too.

And, i'm still adjusting to not having Chris as a thought in the back of my mind. He used to fuel my inner fire and now I'm trying to find new ways to keep myself going strong.I feel much more clear headed now though. I'm going in the right direction...

The Best I Ever Had

This song by Gary Allen has been on repeat in my little brain since I happened to stumble upon it last night while sharing music with Paige. The words are absolutely beautiful.

"But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had."

Before, I would have spent hours crying to this song and applying it to my pathetic obsession with Chris. My feelings were deserved to an extent due to the amount of suffering I went through because of that boy, but I do have the ability to make my own choices and to pull my head from the sand and decide to move forward.

Bad things may happen to me quite frequently, but I will walk through life with my head held high, because I am moving forward and making it through whatever battlefield life throws at me.

Honestly, this spring break has been beyond lazy. But, it is amazingly perfect for what I needed. Besides sitting in my room watching tv, reading, and eating, I have done a few fun things. I went bowling on Tuesday. I have plans to be home this weekend. It is a good break.

Oh! Funny story! So, at the bowling alley, they have stools to sit on. I was waiting for my turn and I had my feet up on the top rung of the stool. When I went to hop down, my feet got stuck on the bottom rung and I face planted onto the floor. It was probably one of the dumbest and funniest trips/falls I'e had in a long time. I looked so ridiculous. I now am sporting a pretty bruise on my knee as a battle scar. The stool may have won this round, but I shall bee back!

So, back to my thing about moving forward. Chris texted me the other day while I was shopping at Albertville mall with my mom and Kirsten and her dad. I responded courteously, but I was curious why he was even texting me. The conversation fizzled, but I texted him later that evening while I was having a little fun with Paige. (Young children... don't text your ex while under the influence of anything other than air). I invited him over. He however, declined. The next morning I sent a text to him saying how I don't want him to come see me. He said you're welcome for not coming over because he knew I would regret it. Maybe, he's not so bad.

We continued texting for awhile. Then, I don't remember how we got to talking about it, but I said it would be a bad idea for us to see each other. I went on to say that even talking isn't a good idea. He said that was ridiculous. I don't know how exactly the conversation ended, but I know I told him that I don't want to see or hear from him anymore.

For me to say no, to send him away, and to actually mean it is a big deal. Chris is manipulative and charming. It is hard to turn him down, but the feelings for him are in the past and that is where I plan to keep them.

i'll write this if no one asks about it.

Lately, something from my past has been on my mind since I talked to Mary, my therapist about it. I am about to tell my loyal readers a very personal and private story. I ask for no questions and no "I'm sorry's". This is something I have come to terms with through my own doing and for that I am very proud of myself.

When Chris and I broke up, we ended up hooking up shortly after. As I was beyong emotionally wrecked and mentally unstable at that time, I had been flighty on taking my birthcontrol. I wasn't worried though because I didn't even thinki of it at the time. Roughly a few weeks after that I was due for my period, but I was late. I took an early pregnancy test in a Taco Bell bathroom and found out I was pregnant.

I decided to ignore it and pretend like it wasn't happening. Chris had broken my life, my friends would have only called me more crazy, and I didn't want to face my mistake with my parents. However, I didn't have to. About a week after I should have gotten my period, I began spotting and cramping very bad. I realized I was miscarrying.

At five weeks barely, I didn't feel a terrible loss or any large tissue passage. The cramps were painful, but I was ok. I guessed what was happening and chose to not go to the doctor. As I had not told anyone I was pregnant and had not even confirmed with a doctor, I felt no need to subject myself to that.

As horrible as it was, I was slightly relieved. It was a problem that my body had known how to take care of. I believe that because I was in such an emotional, mental and physical upset with everything else, that my heart knew it was not the right time for this and allowed my body to release it.

I did not tell Chris until about 5 months ago.

When he and I fought this last time, the thing that spurred on our fight the most was when he had made a comment about wanting kids. I responded with a "well thankfully for you, it died" sarcastically. He responded with a horrible comment that I am very angry and hurt about to this very moment, "at least it wasn't really a baby".

For this reason, I have had this on my mind and it has become too much stress to carry it inside. I am owning this on here and then allowing myself to stop feeling guilty and like I hide this from everyone. I needed to be ok before I could admit this.

I thank my readers again for doing me the courtesy of not asking about this experience. I am ok. I am alright with what happened, and now that I have owned this to the public, I just want to move on like it never happened.

spring time!

On this wonderful spring day, I can lay in bed with the windows wide open and relax to the sounds of life going by. For once, I have the opportunity to just let the world go by and not worry about anything. This is one well needed break.

No roommate for the day. No busy stuff with friends. This is my day to lay around and do whatever the hell I want! Sorry mom for using the word hell.

However, I know laying here will more than likely lead to some intense complicated thoughts. More pondering and contemplating about where I am in life and how I'm doing here. It shall be a telling day!

am i really lonely?

I push people away. I never cuddle. I don't do intimacy. I don't let people get close ever. I get scared of that stuff because a certain first love of mine happened to emotionally scar me pretty bad. I can't blame it all on him, although he deserves a lot of blame. I have problems of my own. I have anxiety. I have depression. I have panic attacks from time to time. I live with my OCD. For me, these are things I have learned to own the last year. These things are part of who I am. Honestly, I may never find another person that saw me without my problems like Chris did in the beginning, but I am ok with that. So much of why I loved Chris was because of how I felt when I was loving him. Every day was another blessing. I always had a goodnight call and someone to tell my secrets too. I loved feeling like I was safe and comfortable when he was around. I loved the way I couldn't help but smile when I remember he was mine. I loved knowing that no matter what, I had someone who believed in me and would back me up against the world, that is, until he stopped supporting me. Until he quit listening and being there to hear my secrets. Until he made me cry instead of smile. Until instead of safe and comfortable I felt alone and hurt with him. So much went wrong and I need to remind myself that he does not love me, does not care about me, and does not want me in his life. The man I miss and the feelings I miss are gone. I am ok with that. I am mad at him for so much that I am at a point now where even thinking or typing his name makes me want to push delete with unending vigor. He is not a good person for me, and in my opinion, for anyone.

All this has made my therapist ask me if I am lonely. I answered without a doubt yes. I know how to cope with lonely though. People here for me is a strange concept for me. Even friends! I am lonely. I am without a desire to have anything besides what I do except in rare moments where I close my eyes and remember nights falling asleep with someone. Those nights were what I treasure most. Perfect moments in time where I was in love, he seemed to be too, and above it all, we were happy. Late at night, in the dark and alone when all is quiet, I am lonely. I want nothing more than to curl up with my old Chris, shut out the world, cry for awhile then just let him tell me he's not ever going to leave.

In the light of day though, I don't know what to do about those feelings, so I shut them away and shut people out. I get scared of how alone I feel and I cope by hiding from it all. I sometimes even consider dating someone, anyone, just to not be alone anymore. That desperation makes me mad though and I just stuff it all away even more. If someone is supposed to find me they will, otherwise, I shall be patiently waiting in all of my freshman fat glory and my anxiety problems. I'm a reallllll catch I tell ya. Even tell your friends!

In the end, I am who I am. Beautiful inside and out. My faults make me me and make my mold a special one. My other half out there, whoever you may be, is perfect in their own way too. If only the lonely boat in my way would sail into the distance so I can see in the harbor and find my perfect yacht.

a misleading adventure

I wrote this in my creating across genres class today and loved it! Enjoy!

A misleading adventure
By: Hannah Meyers

We decided to take an adventure. We planned the route, printed the internet generated map, and filled the gas tank. I grabbed my purse and he his wallet. Before we left, he checked the small pocket for a colorful square that protected our lives. We drove off and merged onto the highway.

Cute conversation filled the car on top of the rap music and the thud of the bass. We were excited to get away for the day. A special date just for us. An adventure across the bridge in Stillwater MN to visit Wisconsin just because.

I was excited to shop and be the pretty girl on his arm. We drove along the road approaching town. Before we could hit main street though, we saw a secluded parking lot where we could stop and let hormones run wild.

That colorful square was what he was excited for. We didn't get to shop that day. We never went across the bridge. We hid behind an old building in his little car and embarked on an all too familiar journey. This journey here was of cramped muscles in the too small passenger seat and the smell of latex and lust.

He always got to his destination on this adventure. I however, was left behind searching for an escape from the latex. Hoping to find my own destination where I would be the pretty girl on his arm.

the end of an era

It is officially the end of an era for me. It is the end of a time in my life where I have been perpetually lost and confused. I have been transitioning for a few days now and I am starting to a get a footing on where I am.

I feel:
Lonely
Conflicted about school
Worried about my life plans
Lonely
Nerdy
Awesome
Smart
Lonely
Courageous
Imaginative
Faithful
Strong
Lonely

For some reason, I feel lonely. I do not need cuddling or any of that cute business. I am not sure why I want it so bad right now. I just feel beyond lonely and like I need someone to just make me feel special and cuddle me like they mean it. Not just cause we slept together cuddle, but because we didn't kind of cuddling. Just to hold me kind of cuddle.

grieving is ok. life changes.

Since my loss of feelings for Chris, I've only shed 1 actual tear. I've been just out of it and confused about everything. I feel lost in my own skin. For so long I based everything I ever did off of a conscious and unconscious idea of what would make Chris most likely to still love me. That was really unhealthy and abusive to my thought patterns. Everything about Chris is an abusive relationship. He never hit me with fists, but words and actions hurt more and lasted longer than any bruise. I came to second guess my wants and needs because I didn't want to lose Chris from my life. Now, I don't have to do that and it's hard to know what I really want now.

Mary, my therapist for those who don't know, said that this is a state of transition for me. It will be hard for a few weeks or months until I start being ok with making my own decisions. She also said that greiving is ok. I'm going to be sad about losing my first love. Sure, the person and relationship has been gone a long time now, but the feelings haven't been until now. That is something that it is ok to grieve and feel sad about. My life is changing and I am growing. There will be growing pains that come with this spurt...