New years eve

I'm resolving to work harder on meaningful relationships. I'm resolving to listen more and speak less. I'm resolving to let myself have a little freedom from time to time. I'm resolving to be better aware and careful of the power I let others hold over me. I resolve to be honest. I resolve to no longer shrink away from confronting those who hurt/scare/upset/annoy/forget me.

These may seem like a lot, but many are things I'm working on now. I'm determined to better myself.

Home

I'm in a strange place in my head when I'm home. I miss my friends. I have a hard time finding a balance within myself with what I want to share with family. I never feel sure of my decisions here because I'm afraid of hurting/disappointing my parents.

However, I am so thankful for getting along with my family now. Grant it, my brother is still an angst ridden 16 year old and my sister is a massive anorexic and cranky perpetually. Yet, I love them and we get along so much better now. I think things are finally to a place where I can understand that people like their siblings.

My parents are wonderful as well. Seeing my dad at work today was great and spending all day with mom was one of the best welcomes back.

Now if the holidays just stay smooth....

Final in t-minus 5 hours

Yes, I am studying, but I needed a break and I haven't written in a long time.

I haven't really had any exciting news to share. My brain will start working more on myself again after I can finish finals. At the moment, I can only keep theory facts in my head so if you wanna discuss literary theory, now would be the time.

But, the holidays are approaching and I'm excited. I love the festive feel of Christmas!

oh my finals

I'm in the midst of finishing an annotated bibliography, printing my paper, and resigning myself to the fact that I shall be failing in approximately 3 days.  I dislike finals.

On an equally unnerving note, my watch broke. I feel so incredibly naked it's like a continuous bad dream. Plus, I look stupid looking at my naked wrist all the time.

just 3 days and I'm free until January... I can do it!

having a hard time tonight

not sure why, but I'm struggling to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. I need my courage and I need peace for my short nights rest.

Wow

Usually when I get stressed, I enjoy relaxing and remembering happy times with Chris. Not only has this pastime (disturbing I'll admit) lost its enjoyment but it takes work.

I laid in bed tonight and was thinking how I wish someone would come hold me. I didn't think of Chris. I didn't imagine one of the assholes I used to think I wanted. I thought of Rich.

I thought of how his arms seemed inviting. I imagined laying my head on his chest and hearing a new heartbeat.

Now I know rich may very well be reading this and rolling his eyes. I'm quite serious though. I meant it when I told him that he's not a fall back. I'm an idiot girl who failed to realize what's been in front of me for the last year. I've spent so much time burying my feelings that I had to really be honest with myself before I saw what I wanted. Grant it, I can't change the way things worked out, but I hope Rich realizes that I'm actually pretty hurt that he turned me away.

I cried when he told me no. I cried when I realized I was picturing things that won't happen. I'm terrified to talk to him in person again because part of me wants to hit him for hurting me and the rest of me just wants to kiss him.

Merry finals week to all and to all a good Christmas break! Boo.

Get out of my head.

Between my paper and this boy issue I'm losing serious sleep. Everyone and everything needs to get out of my head. Just let me hear myself think for once!

Biting the Bullet

So I bit the bullet and talked to Rich about the way I feel about him. I got all girly and explained this whole butterflies experience for me. He and I had a nice little chat and in the end, nothing really changed. We're still friends. He doesn't see us working out so I did the right thing and said "ok, I'll be fine". Which, I will. I will be just fine. Yes, I am sad that it doesn't get to happen all magical like, but that's life. I tried and I put myself out there. I love Rich as a friend more than any possible relationship could ever be worth.

So, back to our regularly scheduled homework/finals week programming. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

unmotivated. the train has stopped...

So I've been a little choo choo train lately, powering through everything thrown in front of me. Now, I've hit a wall. This train has stopped. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and sleep for a billion million trillion hours. Yeah, that's a lot.

I tried it all. Dance like an idiot in my underware? Didn't help. Watch Friends? Only put me more behind and more involved in the show.. I'm on season 9 of 10 so yeah.. Listen to pump me up music? nope. Christmas music? no, but I am more cheerful now. I seriously love the holidays.

So, I blog. Yes that's right folks. I have hit the all time low of avoiding writing by writing. I mean I could tackle my clean laundry pile, but that sounds like work.

Finals are approaching... AHHHHHH

So I have basically been on hiatus lately when it comes to writing for fun. I may be off the internet-o-sphere until after finals have finished.

I have  major theory paper, a religion paper, a study guide for my theory final, and a poetry portfolio. Goodness gracious.

Just catching up

I'm just updating my loyal readers. Thanksgiving was good. Things weren't the same as usual, but I almost feel it was better. I'm busy trying to get everything done by the end of the semester. I had a doctors appointment about my headaches. They ordered a head ct and I will  update once I know for sure. I got a cd of my scan and it's pretty cool. I like the fact that I have a picture of my brain. Haha. All is well and good, just busy.

The doubt myself moments

I doubt...

1. When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up. It seems so close and far away. It scares me and I doubt sometimes that I'll ever amount to anything.

2. That there is more than one true love. I loved Chris blindly. It was a first love full of innocence. Now I am guarded and love feels out of reach.

3. That I will ever be not poor. I'm terrified I won't be able to find a job and live on my own.

4. Friends will stay.

5. I will ever get the children I want.

6. I will get to live in Seattle at some point in my life.

Lots of things cause doubt but if we never doubted ourselves we'd never have the joy of finding courage.

Pre-Thanksgiving

My grandmother is in the hospital. She has acute heart failure. Wonderful stuff. She will be released tomorrow, but serious life style changes are in her future.

I'm busy with keeping track of everything. Why is it that I do so well with my planner the first half the semester then dwindle off on writing things down? Eh. I'll live.

I got officially weighed (by a doctor, poo) and I weigh 133lbs. Yikes! College quit fattening me up!!! Thanksgiving surely won't help. But again, I'll live.

Feeling Disconnected

I said goodbye to the one sure random thing in my life. Chris. I feel disconnected. I feel quiet. I feel out of it. I feel like I went to sleep and never woke up.

I know I did what is best. I intend to stick to this. I enlisted Mak and Brooke in helping me stay strong.

I just don't feel like I'm a part of my life at the moment. I know what I have to do and I know what I want, but I feel like I'm opening my eyes to the world on the sunniest day of the year. I feel blinded. I know I'll be ok. I'm not sad. I'm not even worried. I just feel disconnected. Thanksgiving will be good.

Untapped Courage

I had been texting Chris and trying to make things work and it wasn't happening. We had talked the other day, but he stopped mid conversation as soon as I started getting at real issues with the two of us. (Communication problems, I'm not a personal whore, etc.) So I have tried texting him again but no answer. So I did something I didn't think I had the courage to do. I actually called him. 

Now, I haven't called him in years. I'm serious here. Despite being drunk a few times and contacting him that was always just texts. I haven't called him since we were initially trying to figure things out after breaking up years ago. 

So, I was fed up with not being heard. I called him. He didn't answer. His voicemail is the same as it was years ago. I said that I was frustrated and tired with not being able to talk after he had agreed to work on our friendship. I said I want him in my life but I can only do half the work and I'm not going to do it anymore.  I said I just need to go my way and he needs to go his. I said no hard feelings but I don't want to hear from him anymore. I said I wish him the best. Goodbye. 

I didn't cry. I am not sad. I did what had to be done. I'm making a promise to my girlfriends that when he texts I'm giving them my phone until I'm ok to have it back. I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. It's going to be hard to resist the hope that he runs back to me again in a few months, but I don't need him anymore. I just wish he wouldn't show back up in a few months. If he leaves me alone I can leave him alone. But when he shows up I can't help but feel something that it's like fate. I can't help but believe he cares a little bit, but that's not true. We can be perfect together but we're horrible apart. And when apart is all we've got then it's not worth it. He needs to stay away now. 

Ultimatum

I gave Chris an ultimatum last Saturday (I was drunk don't judge.). Well, he had until noon today to text me and prove he was going to stick around. If he didn't answer it was goodbye FOREVER. He ended up texting me half an hour before noon.

He didn't declare any long I wanna be friends and love you forever thing, but he obviously wants to stick around. Now if he actually does is the true test.

I'm happy that I mattered enough to say he didn't want me to leave forever, but he basically is just starting this whole on and off thing all over again.

My friends have take to calling him leap year. He usually shows up about every three months so I mean kinda suitable nickname.

Well, paper is calling.

McDonald's Makes Me Fat And Happy

Wednesday is a bad day for me. Night class is tough and stressful. It's mid week and everything is sort of piling up before the weekend. This week in particular, I have a massive theory paper due on Friday at midnight and I'm worried. This professor doesn't like my writing and he is very intimidating. But, I'll live.

I made it through class. I stood up for myself and other adopted children when someone was saying that being adopted doesn't affect you. That's a lie. I kindly, but firmly, explained the way in which I feel being adopted does make a significant difference. Regardless, I lived.

After class... McDonald's! Despite Cole having to jump his car, it was fun. I love the holiday pies they have. I also love the intense moment of college student-ness when I paid in all change. Boo Ya! Good times with friends make me fat and happy.

Now on with the paper... Ugh.

Sooooo yeah....

I have gotten my anxiety under control somewhat now. I know where my anxiety settles in my body. I feel what kind of anxiety (excitement, discomfort, fear, panic) is which. I can control my breathing except for the bad panic attacks. I'm generally ok. But, I get tired easily after fighting off an attack.

Right now, I feel nervous and uncomfortable. I'm nervous about my paper. I'm upset still about Mak possibly moving in with Tavia and Tori next year. I'm also very uncomfortable with how close my feelings about relationships are at the moment. It sucks.

Uh oh.

I keep my walls high and very thick. No one is getting in here.

Well so I thought. I have stirrings of potential feelings for someone I see as one of if not my best guy friend. How this happened I have no idea. I don't know what I even want with this. Its not a good idea for so many reasons so I'm trying to ignore it. However the urge to kiss him at inappropriate times fails to disappear.

Then there is the little issue of my hopes for something with the guy who calls me beautiful all the time. He's adorable and sweet but I'm not sure that would be a good idea.

Then there is the issue of keeping Chris away for good now.

Lastly, someone that I've wanted for a long time is so close I can almost grab him. But, I have the most sickening feeling that I'm going to get hurt. Really bad. I want to text him all the time and whenever I see him I literally have to remind myself to be cool. And when I stupidly got caught staring this morning I responded even dumber with "I'm exhausted". I coulda said something much better. I tried to ignore this guy and put him in the closed box but he showed up and is now so close. I want to just be patient and wait for him to move here but its so not who I am. I make the girl move and prompt him to move. I can't ask him out. It would be bad. He'd say no and then id be rejected, sad, and really disappointed. No good.

So my walls have failed me. Uh oh.

How did I get so behind??

Well, so much for good sleep. 3:30am... You and I are not friends.

I still have 2 poems to write, 20 pages of theory articles to read, 18 pages of religion articles to read, a religion response paper, a poetry response paper, and a rough draft of my major theory paper is due Friday 3-4 pages single spaced. Ugh!!! What have I even accomplished?

But, it is almost 4am. I give up at 4am. Nothing productive will happen until about 9am. 5hours of sleep then up I go.

Beware of a stressed and cranky Hannah. Sorry.

Only a little stupid.

So my wonderful roommate and I decided to hit up the party train. We downed a shot, got dinner, downed a mixed drink that was mostly booze, and stumbled our way, laughing our asses off back to our dorm at the wee hour of 10:30. No actual party. We talked to party friends, but decided not to go out.

Instead, we ninja snuck across campus. Laughing at everything. Then it decided to downpour so we went and ran in all the puddles we could find while blissfully laughing into the sky. I felt very clean and oddly at peace with the world. It was as if God was pouring out my sadness right on me and letting it all melt away. I was not cold, alcohol's fault, but I felt the world around me touch my heart. I felt truly blessed.

Then we stumbled in. Took another shot. Ran across campus in every puddle to get ice cream because that is what two darling, soaking, hysterically laughing college gals do. Of course. Ice cream in hand, we shuffled across campus again. This time sharing about the joys of being inebriated and just stupid. We don't do stupid very often.

In the dorm we danced and laughed and danced and laughed and fell over on each other and laughed and called boys and laughed  and generally just laughed. I don't know why things were funny, but I know the two of us were laughing so hard that my abs still hurt. We needed that laugh. We deserve that laugh. Gosh darn it, we have been so good we deserve some fun!

Then, Mak, love her, started feeling woozy so the fun slowly died down. We started a movie and gave up because she had to throw up. We trecked downstairs to the empty bathroom that looks like the one from Harry Potter and sat there talking about how much fun we'd been having. She ended up not puking, but we walked back upstairs. She crawled in bed, I filled water bottles and set out the garbage for her to use if necessary. She passed out safely snoring, and I settled in to watch friends. Quiet, me time. Ahh.

I didn't feel sick for more than a minute, but I also drank more water than her... Ahh c'est la vie.

So, now I am wide awake enjoying my time alone, with the sleeping roommate. I'm pondering how I called Neil, Brandon Bowie, Austin, Cole, and Cody and none of them answered, but Austin called me back. He was drunk too. And despite my desire to call Chris out of habit, I made the good drunk decision not to. Partially because I deleted his number and my fuzzy brain couldn't remember it and partially because I know it won't do me any good. Mom was right when we talked this weekend. Calling or talking to Chris won't make any differences in the weird relationship we have. He is going to come and go because he's too dumb to figure out that he might actually like me. And I have the choice to make on whether or not I let him in my life. I thought I wanted to talk to him and figure feelings out and why we do what we do over and over again without changing anything, but it's insane. So, my little drunk butt learned a lesson tonight, call your friends and they'll find you funny. Call an ex and it won't do any good. Ever.

I wish I had some way to prove to you all that I won't go scampering off to talk to him the next time he shows up, but I don't. I wish I had something to prove to myself that I won't want to go scampering back to him the next time he shows up. Maybe, if I write it down every day I might start believing it.... Hmmmm. New idea...

Anyways, despite being pretty darn smashed earlier this evening, I was only a little stupid.

Blood donation.

I donated blood today. Then the guy sat me up too fast and I forgot breakfast and passed out. Otherwise it was good.

I'm starting to feel the familiar sting of rejection and losing friends again. I understand that I'm not perfect and what everyone wants in a friend. But, if you are my friend then why leave? Why cut me out? I feel like the friend that no one wants.

Chris never answered me about talking things out. So I said "you are a coward and I don't know why I ever loved you" and moved on. Probably, he will text in a few months. If he agrees to talk for real then I will answer otherwise I deserve better.

I am hurt about Mak looking at an apartment with tavia. I'm sad I wasn't invited. I'm sad they didn't think of me in their plans of where to live next year. I'm deeply hurt that Mak didn't tell me honestly that she was going to look at a place with tavia. I'm upset that I am not my roommates first choice for a roommate next year. I hate that I get left behind. I'm being abandoned again.

So I donated blood. I feel like I just got robbed of my friends and somehow, everything and everyone else is still more important than me.

Another letter to Mr. Bentz

Hello again darling,

I have long let slide your refusal to talk about us as friends or otherwise. I have let you come into my life and leave again without much of a fight.

However, I'm tired of it. I deserve to talk shit out like adults. We've known each other a long time now and I feel I deserve better from you.

I don't want us back together, but me being me, I need to talk about why we keep finding ourselves together again. You are a horrible friend. You are an emotionally damaging boyfriend. And you don't know how to love anyone but yourself. The only good thing we have now is sex. And trust me hun, I don't need you for that. There are plenty of men knocking on my door that will treat me with more respect than you ever do.

I used to believe we could talk about anything. But that's not true. You run when things get serious or real.

So here's the deal. You leave me alone forever now. I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to see you. I don't even want to remember us. Because baby, I can't believe I ever loved you.

I know you don't ever listen to me, but please, listen just this once and go away forever.

I do not love you. There is no forever anymore, except without you.

Goodbye Chris.

-Hannah Meyers

Tomorrow.

I will be voting No tomorrow on both the marriage amendment and the voter id amendment. I believe strongly that our rights should not be infringed upon. I want everyone to be able to share in marriage no matter who they love. No one should get to say someone isn't allowed the benefits and recognition that only marriage brings. I also believe the voter id amendment is slowly taking our voting rights away. I'm a student and with the amendment I would no longer be able to register tomorrow to vote. I would have to get home to vote where my state id lists my address. I believe that living in the cities 9 months out of the year makes me a St.Paul citizen and I should be able to vote here without having to go through the pain to change my address on my id twice a year to reflect my current residence.

I will stand by my views and I will happily talk with you if you don't understand why I'm voting the way I am.

Also, new Aerosmith album tomorrow!!!!! :)

My Head is Swimming

There has been an unbelievable amount of stuff going on in my personal and academic life lately. I'm busy trying to outline and begin a paper worth 50% of my theory class.  I'm in the midst of putting together my poetry for the end of the semester, quickly approaching. I'm also trying to help a friend through a really tough time. I'm working through things with Katie. I'm also putting Chris on the back burner as some new opportunities have popped up. I'm exploring my individuality and my beliefs. I'm interested in possibly taking on a religion minor. We'll see. I've also been dealing with frequent headaches and some more noticeable anxiety. I'm working on figuring out what I want to do relationship wise. I'm exploring a couple new guys as potential people I might like to either get to know better or eventually date. We'll see.

My head is swimming with all this stuff, but I'm really good. I'm growing and becoming who I want to be. I'm finding I'm very happy despite the amount of stress I'm under. My head may be swimming, but I'm sure floating along the winding river of this crazy life. I'm just praying I don't hit any rapids...

Some Serious Thoughts

I've been thinking about a few things lately that I've come to understand more as I've grown up. Grant it, I'm far from being completely independent and a total adult, but I consider myself a grown up now. I'm learning a lot about who I am lately. I'm starting to see what has shaped me into who I am.

I am a lot of things. I am first and foremost a wonderful friend. I may not be the most social person or really extroverted at all. However if you befriend me; you've got a friend for life. I am loyal and caring. I am the person who will drop everything and be at your side through thick and thin. I am reliable. I stick with my word and I try very hard to be honest. I may not have many friends, but the quality is far more important than quantity to me.

I am going to be a great psychologist because of this someday. I will be helpful and kind. I will be there for other people who may not be so lucky as to have a friend to call on. I will help resolve personal issues (much like I do now for my girlfriends) and help to overcome fears.

I have overcome many obstacles. I have had my heart broken. I have been rejected. I have been abandoned. I have been stuck with my own debilitating fears and worries. But I have overcome all of these things.

I have had my heart broken, but I learned about love. I also learned how to love myself by being hurt so deep. I learned to rely on my own self for happiness and not on anyone else. I have learned how to talk and share personally with someone. Chris may have hurt me a lot, but I thank God for him every day. He is one of those people that were so perfect and so wrong at the same time. God gave him to me as a means of teaching me how to love and become the person I am today.

I have been rejected by those who I thought were going to always accept me. I was rejected by Chris for a long time and just now we are starting over as friends. (I asked him his favorite color the other day. We haven't just talked like that in years.) Rejection hurts. I learned to protect myself. I also learned that sometimes, if you make walls so high, no one will dare scale them to reach you. I have learned about expectations through rejection.

I was rejected by Katie in a way as well. I had an expectation of this woman instantly being proud and loving me for who I was. But, I had to prove myself to her. I didn't know how to make her see that despite my problems in my life, I was a person worthy of her love. I expected Katie to become a strong part of my life in college and onward. I have been proven wrong. I have talked with my friends and family a lot about her. I believe that I am going where I need to. If Katie wants to be part of my life she can put in the effort as I have tried to. I can also understand that when Katie and I began to talk as I became an adult, I was not in a good place. She did not get to see my best self. She needs to understand that, just because I have faced problems and very near failed a lot of challenges, I am ok. She needs to understand that I am good now and I plan to stay good. She needs to understand that I understand if she wants to move forward in our lives, on separate paths. I respect her desire for her own family, life, friends, existence. I will be sad if she chooses to move forward without me, but I feel as if she has already made that choice. I am worthy of a relationship where I am allowed to be the young adult who is still learning and still feel loved and supported. I should not be criticized or punished for not being ok one hundred percent of the time. I hope that Katie will read this and understand my desire for things to be good for both of us. I harbor no hard feelings for her. I just want everything to be able to move forward.

I have been abandoned. This singular fact has irreparably shaped my life. I know I was put into my family for my best interest, but in my deepest heart of hearts I will never understand how a parent can give up a child. I know without a doubt in my heart that I would drop everything and give everything for any child I have the blessing to have in my life, whenever I have them. I do not judge or fault or intend to hurt anyone with this. I simply mean to express that I do not understand and this has caused me a massive amount of pain. I do not lack for love and I do not wish for a different life. I have an internal fear that I will always be left. I cannot believe that anyone truly will stay by my side forever. It is an internal battle I fight every day. I have been abandoned by friends and family. Basically everyone from high school left me on the ground broken and bleeding and kicked me on the way out the door. I have been intimately hurt by Chris and the horrible way he treated me when I was dealing with many of my deepest issues at once. I don't understand how people can give up on someone when they clearly need help the most. I am just not that way and I don't understand for the life of me why people abandon their friends and family when they need help or just someone to be there for them. I don't understand, but this continues to cause me anxiety and fear in my life.

I have fears of being left alone, abandoned, rejected, broken, and made fun of. I'm terrified of the dark, clowns, puppets, marionettes, and dolls. I'm intensely frightened of making new friends and being in unfamiliar situations. I am claustrophobic and highly anxious in social situations. I have OCD and when I get stressed out I clean and straighten and organize and spend countless hours and energy counting numbers in my head and counting my steps and listening to the sound of my feet on the ground when I walk and feeling off balance because I stepped on a crack with one foot and not the other. I have feet that never sit still. My toes twitch and my feet tap and if you try to get me to stop moving my feet I bite the inside of my lip so much it bleeds and becomes raw. I have psoriasis and it flares when I get stressed and as I become more stressed about it flaring up I itch and it makes it ten times worse. I have such bad anxiety in the mornings that I can't get out of bed for a few minutes until I can start to feel my lungs working again. I am afraid I will lose my handle on everything again and get called crazy. Despite all my problems, I am not crazy. I am thriving. I am handling everything and interpersonal issues too, everyday. The next time you ask me if I'm ok or if things are going good, remember these things before you judge me for complaining that I'm stressed out. A little stress for me becomes compounded by all these things and turns into a circular worry in my head that will refuse to leave. My head is a very, very, frantic place. But I am happy.

I am so good right now. I am doing well in almost all my classes, minus evil theory course..... I am enjoying friendships that are for once returning the effort I put into them. I am living in a place where I feel safe and comfortable. I am writing and learning new things about my poetry again. I am discovering all these things about myself and it feels good to know why I am who I am.

I never understood why I feel everything so much more deeply than others, until now. I love deeper, hurt deeper, feel deeper than everyone else because I know what it is like to have those things taken from your grasp. I know what it is like to not understand what you feel because you can't separate yourself from your feelings. I am an emotional person. I feel things before I understand them. This is my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. I know emotions like the back of my hand because I wear them on my sleeve. I understand people on an emotional level and this often makes things hard for me. I cannot just talk to someone superficially. That feels empty and unfulfilling. I make friendships based on an emotional place that I feel safe. Crowds frighten me because there is so much going on that I have no safe place to stand. I fear being abandoned because I know that the pain it causes hurts me to the core, every time. I have anxiety and all those other things because I am constantly on alert of any danger threatening to hurt the stable place inside myself where I have finally allowed myself to grow from.

Above all of this, I have realized I am not broken. I am not a part of a person I once was. I am not missing any pieces. I am a whole, strong, and beautiful person. I am determined to show the best me to the world everyday.

I again stress that I do not intend to hurt anyone and I am not judging anyone. I am just sharing the valuable things I have learned about who I am.So I pose this question, Who are you?

I Almost Do

Oh Taylor Swift, what did girls do before you came along and voiced our broken hearts in so many songs??

I actually really like this song though. It fits my life and it also helps me stay strong. I want to call you, but I won't. I almost do, but I don't.

Maybe I try to control things too much. Let's let the reigns go and see what happens... haha maybe not.

Migraines..

I have gotten migraines pretty seriously the last few years. I get tunnel vision and eventually, if advil doesn't save me, I won't  be able to see. I get dizzy and experience the worst sensation of my pulsing brain in my head. However, I haven't felt truly nauseous until today.

I woke up with a migraine. I already could barely see. When I sat up it took a full minute before I could hear anything besides the blood in my ears. I tried to crawl my sorry butt out of bed, but to my dismay, I am top bunk. So, internal preparations accomplished, I jump down, fall down, lay on the floor for a minute. Then as I try to sit up again, I get the most horrendous feeling of nausea. I almost lost it right there on the floor. So, again I carried sorry little Hannah into the bathroom at 5:30am and sat on the floor trying to no avail to release my stomach contents to the porcelain god. I gave up an hour later. I tried a nice hot shower, but standing up was no good. Back to bed I thought,  but laying down was no good. So at 8am,  I curled upright in my chair and fell asleep until 9am. Then Mak had to leave (off to NDSU, drive safe roomie. my thoughts are with you). So now, I am awake and extremely in pain.

Happy midterm break to me....

No, THIS is why we can't be friends.

I can't be friends with someone who isn't there. I'm 19 imaginary friends aren't cute anymore.

Don't get me wrong here, I expect no response and not to hear from you now for months on end. I'm not upset or anything. I just find it very amusing that out of all our issues the main problem is lack of consistent talking that prohibits our friendship.

Also, I finished the horrible paper today. I'm a happy camper. :)

Goodnight world! I'm gonna sleep so I can kick your ass more tomorrow! :) sweet dreams everyone.

Soooooo excited for the new Aerosmith album...

They have been releasing songs one at a time through Rolling Stone magazine. Today's song "Tell Me" is awesome. There are going to be some serious weeks following when I buy that cd... :)

Just had to say that.

Also, I love the concern I generate from friends and family with my life choices. I respect your concerns and apologize for making anyone feel uneasy. I'm on a good path here and everything is a step forwards.

This Is Why We Can't Be Friends

Intermittent Reinforcement. This little psychological fact is the cause of all my problems.

Intermittent Reinforcement means that if you have a bunny in a cage and sometimes when you open the cage you give it a treat and other times you hit it, the bunny is always going to come running when the cage is open because it doesn't know what it's going to get. 

I am the bunny. Guess who is the person feeding/hurting the bunny? Oh did you say Chris? Yeah....

I made it three months. Whoever said when breaking an addiction give it 90 days and it will be easier to resist, lied. I always make it three months then I give in. No I jump in. There is something about this guy. I hate him, but love him at the same time. I am the very stupid bunny. I walk right into the hand that slaps me. He barely has to try anymore. 

I am pathetic. I let him in. I lie to myself and say this time will be different. This time we'll just catch up as friends. This time I won't let the flirting get the best of me. This time I won't say yes. This time.... and every time, it isn't different. I am a stupid bunny. I told him we're probably going to be going back and forth between sleeping together, talking, and not talking until we die. He agreed! In what world is it ok that the most fulfilling and empty relationship I have ever had is this one?

He always leaves a little twist before he goes. Here is this time's twist: He hugged me goodbye. Multiple times. He looked me in the eye while talking as he said goodbye. When I said that we've been pulling this little dance for two years now, he said really? I said yes. I said do you feel old? He said he's only 19. I said yeah but can you believe we've done this for two years? and he says he'll think about it when he's less fucked up (he was high). Now WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? 

So while you all are cyber strangling me for doing this little thing ALL OVER AGAIN just know that I stopped caring. I will be the stupid bunny. I'm ok with being the stupid bunny. In fact, I like being the stupid bunny. Despite sounding dumb, the good is really good and the bad is really bad, but the really good is better now than the really bad. And, I am a stronger person. 

I am a grown up. I can make my own choices. I am working hard in school. I am allowed to do what I want within the confines of the law and as far as the law is concerned... I've done no wrong. 

I am not crying now. I am not contemplating life. Nothing has changed because of him.I put no parts of my life or myself on hold for him. I am all for me. I made a choice and I stand by that choice. You can judge me out there. You can lecture me and give me or him hell. But it won't change my choice. It won't change my happiness. It won't change the fact that the world only turns one way, forward not back. If you dislike it, stop reading my posts. I force my opinions or life stories on no one. I share my thoughts for the sake my self and the need to write. I let the words sort my thoughts. 

So my dear friend Chris... This Is Why We Can't Be Friends.

This is why we can't have nice things....

I'm clumsy and I trip a lot. I drop things repetedly and sometimes I just can't help but fall out of my chair. I break things and I'm broken myself.

See, there is so much pressure in society to be like everyone else and to fit in. There is this force that carries young adult society along that seems to be pushing for every girl to be blonde with big boobs and a petit little butt. There is slowly becoming no niche for the people who aren't what society wants, but also who aren't completely weird. I'm in this in-between. I want to fit in and have lots of friends and be that person that everyone knows, but deep at heart, I want my few friends that I like and that's it.

Now the reason I bring this up is because of boys. The cute ones never date the weirdos, thankfully I don't hang out with them. And the ugly ones are hopeless. The average guys think they can date the above average girls, but in reality they should be catching girls in my little social area of average. I sound shallow, but these people are shallow. I have yet to find a cute guy that a) does not have psychological issues b) does not want to just have sex c) isn't stupid d) is caring and sweet. This makes me frustrated. I want to disregard the attractiveness factor, but the truth is I can't. If I find someone unattractive I'm not going to want to date them. So, because of my standards or whatever you'd like to call them, I cannot have nice things.

The little romantic.

There is a tiny part of me that desperately wishes that Chris would not give up and fight for me. I want him to show up here with flowers saying he's sorry and lets give it another go. In a small place in my heart, I really wish for that.

But it is unrealistic. That's not who he is. My life isn't a movie. I can dream that little dream every night but it won't happen.

More of my heart is hopeful for someone new. I'm hopeful for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. I want to fall in love again. I want to feel my head spin and my heart race. I want something new. I deserve something good and new. That is what I will really wish for.

Now if I could just get that little part of my heart to stop screaming, I might be able to sleep tonight without an empty dream...

Little butt nub...

So, I have had an eventful day. I not only read some stuff on my articles to better understand them, but I also finished homework for next week already.

This evening, while relaxing for a well deserved break, I met new friends. They were studying in the elevator when I went to do laundry. I proceeded to invite them back to our room. Tried to subtly flirt (notes about that from roommate tomorrow) and ended up going upstairs to their dorm to watch zoolander, play n64, and give a massage to the guy I think is cute. He then told me and everyone else in the room that it was "the best massage ever, and better than any sex he's had". So that was awesome.

We then adventured to get food after the movie over to our dining hall. I grabbed my phone as I had left it down in my room. I had a text from Chris.

Now relax my now tense readers. I did not respond at once. He had texted 4 hours ago from when I saw it. The message was this "hey long time no talk!" my response? "yeah."

So fret no more, yes my heart quickened and my hands started to sweat, but in all honesty, I was ok not engaging with him. Sure I miss us talking but I'm moving on now. I don't need to set my life back ten steps just because I miss an old friend. Now is not his time. Now is my time.

On an unrelated note, I officially turned in my major declaration today! Psychology here I come!

Geeking out

So,  I just did my run through of classes for the next year and a half of my life. I love the feeling when I schedule everything and I complete a manageable plan of study. School is my place. I love classes and even homework sometimes. I'm determined to succeed despite the immense challenges some classes pose for me.

I also seriously love P!nk's new album. It's so awesome. I love how P!nk makes a strong case for women and doesn't let her music become just the pop crap that is usually on the radio. I respect her big time.

That's all for the moment. Now back to zizek and his evil article.... Why do I care about any of his stuff?? Oh right, cause evil prof gave us evil reading assignments. totally makes sense. GERRRRRRR!!!!

Letting me work the way I do best.

So, I've been obsessing over this class. I've been trying intensely to read the articles super critically and take meticulous notes. I gave up trying to do that this evening cause I just was tired. I read through 4 of the 5 articles in roughly 3 ish hours and I understood it better than when I tried to read them carefully.

My fear of doing horrible actually was inhibiting me from doing the best work that I normally can do. Huh.

Also, I went to MOA today with Brooke and Melissa and Diana. It was actually a really good time. I feel pretty comfortable with these girls and they don't force me to go out of my comfort zone. I'm really happy with how my life is starting to pan out.

Lastly, I am so thankful for my courage in the face of my anxiety and depression. In all honesty these last few weeks for me have been very trying and tiring. I've felt very sad and there were days where I didn't think I could get out of bed, but I remembered to have courage. God has granted me the ability to be strong when things are tough. I never would have agreed if He offered me the choice to experience my life the way I have to become the person I am, but He knew best and has gotten me to a good place in life.

Try

I used to say never give up if you love someone. But that's wrong. There is a point where you have to learn the big hard lesson that some things just can't be fixed, not even by love.

That lesson is something I am constantly learning. Sometimes I especially need to say I can give up I can give in I can do for me despite feelings or stubborn thoughts.

I am the maker of my own karma. I just have to try.

AHHHHHH

First, Mary (my lovely therapist) noticed that I've gained weight. Seriously, this literary and cultural theory class is stressing me out and I'm stress eating. Gerr.

Second, I have another paper for said evil class due on wednesday. No prompt yet. No articles yet. Thursday is homework day for me. Get on it prof.

Anxiety building... Beware of explosions.

I'm so stressed and anxious. Walking across campus for a meeting with a favorite professor scared me so bad I had to stop and collect myself.

I hate my brain chemistry. I hate my introvert needs. I hate my scattering of thoughts when I need them most.

Praying for courage.

You know...

I found old pictures hidden away on Facebook. I smiled at the old memories then moved on.

I want to text Chris. I want to know how he is. But I won't. My life is finally moving forward. I'm not going to set myself back.

I miss him from time to time, but only for fleeting moments. I realize now that I did love Chris, but not in a way that would let me grow up to be a strong individual. I'm doing my thing now. I'm following my dreams. Always dream my tattoo says... I'm dreaming big now.

Just not understanding...

I still feel as if I have failed. I have no confidence in my work anymore. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I can't write any poetry and it literally hurts. I'm stuck in this horrible loop in my head of failure, obsession, and more failure. I'm afraid to write again in case I fail. I want to give up. I want to hide and erase this horrible last week or so. This is not ok.

I'm trying to do homework. It just isn't coming.

Obsessive compulsive disorder

This nasty thing causes a large part of my anxiety. I never can just let things go. I obsess and go over things in my head literally millions of times before I can do anything.

Like this bad grade. I'm seriously suffering here. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about how this grade affects the rest of my life plans. Call me crazy but it does. I can't stop worrying that I'm going to fail at this class and in turn that stresses me out and I'm bound to do worse. This is not a good situation.

So, ocd... You suck!

A C-!!!!!!

What. The. Hell.

I thought i was understanding my difficult literary and cultural theory class. guess not. my first paper that I got back was a fucking c-! this is not ok. on any level. I never get such average grades! this is my smart ass little academically graceful brain we're talking about.

I desperately want to fix this. I want to rewrite it and butter up the professor, but it won't help. This is a life lesson. There are things that we will fail at. Even things we are really good at will still go wrong sometimes. So what if I don't get an A in this class. It is one class. In the grand scheme of things one class won't kill. Accepting that some things are out of my reach is ok. I don't have to be a perfect student to be a perfect me. I am more than a good grade. Grant it, i've never had a bad grade. like ever. on anything. but there is a first for everything.

C-.... Below average my ass.

Wax Hands

I made wax hands today at this event for students. It was super cool. Until I played with them too much and broke one. Now I'm sad and my OCD is screaming at me to fix it!

Also, I am mentally exhausted. I have a presentation tomorrow and I'm just not able to sleep tonight. I need brain power, but my body won't let me.

Side note: I'm trying this whole, let's be natural and clean thing. That means: no birth control pills (i'm not dumb, and no one wants to sleep with me anyways so no worries), no more vitamins up the wazoo, and also no unneccessary pain killers or sleep medicine. This means that my headaches are becoming a serious pain in the ass. And sleep sucks.

Rest In Peace

I lost a dear friend today. My cat Rocky passed away last night. He was with our family for 12 years. Whenever I was sad he was always there to cuddle up in my lap and make sure everything was alright. We knew this was coming because he had lost a lot of weight and not been eating. But still it is a sad day. I'm especially sad because I never really got to say goodbye. It will be hard to go home and not have him there sitting on the bottom step welcoming me home. He was an amazing cat and friend. I can remember the way he used to lean his head into my hand whenever I scratched his chin in just the spot I knew he loved. Dad is going to bury him in sight of the bathroom window. He used to love laying on the rug beneath the window in the sun. Rest in Peace Rocky. You will be really sorely missed. :(

Rocky

2001-2012

No sleep.

I laid in bed from 10pm- 2am last night before I gave up on sleep. I then proceeded to do homework in bed for 2 hours. At 4am I attempted sleep again. Still took me another hour to fall asleep. I don't understand. The kicker is that I woke up this morning and wasn't really even tired. I just don't understand!

Well...

In the midst of a "where the hell is my life going" crisis I realized a few key things.

1. I deserve a real relationship. Not an open one. So that came to an end.

2. The fact that in 2 years from now I will hopefully be in grad school hit home. I'm a tiny bit majorly freaking out over how I have to become an adult in the coming years. Yikes.

3. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life... Again, yikes.

4. Being sick in a three hour massive mind drain literary and cultural theory class sucks.

5. I haven't thought about Chris in an "I miss him come back to my broken heart" way in a week. Yay me!

6. I love my life. :)

Wish Trees On Campus

There are wish trees on campus today. Beautiful neon strips of paper to write wishes on. It made me think, "what do I wish for"

My wishes (In no particular order):

Free tuition (and paying off my debt already)
Another trip to Disney World
A guaranteed job after Grad school
Grad school acceptance
Finding a Grad school with a clinical psychology program
Health for all my family
My cat to be healthy and with me at school
A pet snake
Jeans that don't make my ass look huge (my butt is taking on epic proportions. time to hit the treadmill)
Lot's of shoes
To meet P!nk
Every Johnny Depp movie on dvd
To meet Johnny Depp
To meet Steven Tyler - probably biggest wish ever...
A job at Disney World
Perfect class schedule
No more anxiety
Chris to stay gone
To fall in love again
Snow with no cold weather
A better immune system
A truck
To visit the 1970's
Unlimited Diet Coke and Starbucks
A huge stuffed Tigger
A huge closet!

So that's a rough idea of my very selfish sounding wishes.

The President Hanson hate day...

The sheer amount of protest today over President Hanson's letter about the University not taking a stance on the marriage amendment is ridiculous. Hamline University is dedicated to an open learning environment that respects all students and faculties posititions on the issues in our world. The University made the right choice in my opinion. I feel it is disrespectful to protest and verbally attack everyone on campus today because you disagree with the anouncement. President Hanson and the Board of Trustees are making a choice in the best interest of the University and it should be respected.

If you are in strong support either side of the marriage amendment, then speak out. Go door to door, the capitol, or even rally on campus. However, this is not about "discrediting marriage" or "human rights" it is simply the University saying, we don't get a vote so why should we have a stance?

Ahh. Coffee. And happiness.

Lately, I have felt my mood rising. I'm becoming comfortable without Chris. I smiled today when I realized that an old song came on and I didn't feel sad. I'm ridiculously proud of  myself for being strong and not giving in. I'm allowing myself to be happy and boy does it feel good. For so long I've felt like I was't allowed to feel happy after losing the man I loved,  but the truth is, he's just a boy. There will be more. Eventually I will find one who loves me inside and out and is comfortable with me. Until then, I am happy. I will attract more attractive bees with honey than a jar full of tears. :)

Also, Starbucks has become a problem. I need, Need, NEED coffee everyday now. Welcome to adulthood lol

Hair?

I read a blog post of someone whom I greatly respect. It was about a haircut. I do have to agree, long hair oozes sex appeal, beauty, and confidence. I had a phase a few years back where I chopped off all my hair into a very VERY short bob. Cute, but not me. So, for the last few years I have been steadily  growing it out. Despite the fact that my hair grows like snail paced, it has finally reached the top of my armpit. I have been caring for my hair like it is gold. I barely ever heat treat it or dye it. The ends are a sad shade of a once blonde and are dispicablely horrendous. However, it is my beautiful hair and as it grows and I trim it to keep it healthy, I will be back at brunette in no time.

It truly is amazing though, I blow dried my hair yesterday instead of letting it do it's own thing and the amount of compliments on my hair amazed me. I see how some people can subject their hair to that everyday. The compliments abound!

But, I digress. Inspiration has left the building. Now onto writing papers for school. Ugh.

Sometimes I feel left out of the loop.

I'm going to call people out. Be prepared.

Mom - miss her texting me everyday like she used to. I'm left out of what's going on with my family and my poor cat

Friends - don't ever text me to ask me to do anything. Its always invite Mak and never me. Boo.

Katie - you get to read my almost daily blog posts. You get lax and don't post yours! I get you're busy, but so am I. Try a little for me.

My open relationship friend - I am trying to see you. This is harder than I thought.

Chris - finally gave up trying to talk to me. Thank goodness.

So there! :p

Happiness is allowed. No need to be scared.

I don't know how to be happy with a guy. I get scared when I start to feel happy because that might lead to me getting hurt. Damn Chris broke me.

Today I smiled at a text again. I smiled and laughed and joked with a guy I genuinely like. That to me sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I shall chin up and enjoy it now and if something goes wrong I know I can make it through.

I mean I made it through a living hell on earth with Chris. If they set off a bomb I think that'd be easier than the Chris scenario again. Thankfully, I learned and now know not to believe in someone with my whole heart. Humans are fallible, the only real trust is in the self. My mind can be a place of peace. Meditation is teaching me this.

Wanting to say something.

I've been writing letters for awhile now. I never send any of them, but I feel like I need a closure through some sort of public forum so here:

Chris,

I wish I knew exactly what to say. I'm mad and hurt and above all disappointed, in both of us. I waited around in the wings for two years. I chose to leave you behind and I do not regret that choice now. You have had your fair share of time to come back to me. I'm not going to let you half ass back into my life.

That being said, I do miss you and I probably will for a little while. I miss your smile and laugh and the sound of your heartbeat. However, I don't miss your wishy washy personality, your cruel way of keeping me in the dark, and the shame you associated with being with me.

I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to and will not contact you. Missing you will change, but the pain you cause will not. So, I'm doing what is best and walking away. I loved you. Forever, I promised. But I guess we're not meant for forever.

Always,
Hannah

So now I've said my little piece and I feel calm yet again.

Having no expectations isn't in my nature.

So, I am very happy with the way my life is going. However,  it is hard to have no expectations or hopes with the open relationship thing. (see previous post). It's not in my nature to not worry and obsess and loop my brain in circles around everything. I just can't accept things as they are and not push for a reason why or what will happen next. Or if something is a change how am I supposed to just let that be?

I'm proud of myself today though. I'm proud for getting up early to shower the sweat of the club off me. I'm proud for finding my way through Minneapolis and back to St. Paul without freaking out. I'm proud of settling things with Dillon and making my wants clear. I'm just generally proud of myself.

Yes, today I feel very anxious and uncomfortable. Will I let that change my day? No way. I'm learning ways to acknowledge my anxiety and then move past it. Meditation never seems to work when I'm there, but afterwards I always feel as if I am more aware of myself.

Alas, the end of the post. Gerrrrr. Homework.

Open to new experiences.

DillonBrave little me drug my ass out to the club tonight. Mak and I proceeded to leave 30 minutes later. But oh well. Not mine or her cup of tea.

We navigated our way back home two hours later. From the creep drunk guy who called us fat 12 year olds to the nice bus driver who kindly got us back, Mak and I did it on our own.

Now, another important development must be addressed. I am text message agreed upon, in an open relationship. Now most of my readers, mothers breathe, are rolling their eyes now. But hear me out.

Dillon and I dated freshman year of high school and stayed good friends ever since. We had an awkward hook up once last year then nothing. We recently rekindled friendship and realized we're looking for the same thing. A someone who understands that life happens and we're young, but still is there to talk and enjoy naked from time to time. We're both looking for honesty in each other and if someone else comes along its ok to follow them. It's just nice to have someone to call if I needed a person. He very kindly offered to rescue me and Mak tonight which made up my mind basically. So, besides the fact that he isn't Chris, Dillon is a good change of pace for me. Maybe something awesome will happen. But if not, my life won't be over.

Missing my comfort

I have decided I'm going to say I miss my comfort rather than missing Chris. Its not him. Its the way he makes me feel settled, safe, comfortable, and at peace.

I'm learning how to find that on my own. Meditation is helping and so is staying busy. Still. I miss my comfort.

the importance of vitamins

I totally spaced on taking my vitamins yesterday. I was feeling fine, but then this morning I just crashed. It is really amazing how much of a difference a b vitamin can make. 

I'm just off today now. It's wednesday and I have my night class and I'm just really stressed. 

I guess a half hour nap is allowed on a day like this.... but oh so much homework...

Hmm

I'm alone and happy. That's new. I don't want to just hook up. I deserve more and I'm ok with waiting for my someone.

good and not?

So this is no false alarm. There are feelings going towards other people besides Chris. However, it turns out that the friend I was talking to wants the same thing that most douche bag guys want. I was really enjoying talking to him, but it was really all a ploy to get me naked. So another one bites the dust. But, it is good to know that I do have the ability to feel emotion outside of Chris.

On another note, I was powering through homework and wrote 3 pages in about 30 minutes. that is impressive.

Stirrings in a new direction!!!!

I just had the best moment ever.... i had an inkling of liking someone besides chris. i will keep updated on if this is real or a false alarm. stay tuned

Still?

Still, he jumps into my mind sometimes. It's getting to be less frequent, but it just throws my day off. I hate that despite everything, I still miss how things used to be two years ago. I hate that it's been two years since we were together. I hate that so much has changed. I hate that love happened. I hate him now.

I wish so much that I would never have fallen in love with him. I hate how much it disrupted my life. I hate that my heart knows Chris as love. Everyone else gets inevitably compared to him and I hate that. Nothing ever feels right. I haven't felt really connected to anyone since he left. I have friends and all that, but no one special. I don't know how to love someone else.

I hate that my life has been so destroyed by him, yet he never once stopped enough to realize I wasn't his anymore. Grant it, until now, I had never really left. I just can't believe that he truly loved me, if he did I feel like he would have tried harder or something!

So I guess I'm healing. Everyday is a step away from him. I haven't broken down yet and it's going well. Sometimes, I just can help but say, I miss him. Still.

Bing Crosby

I blame my mother for my love of this man's voice. When we watched White Christmas every year for Christmas, I fell in love. It is my mother's favorite movie.

So, when I finally jumped on the Pandora bandwagon, I added a Bing Crosby channel. I'm so happy. Best homework music and just relaxing music. Plus, it reminds me of Christmas at home.

On an unrelated note, I have missed Starbucks when I was home. I have a coffee problem now. Great.

Good times

I love how I'm working towards going out more frequently. Like tonight. We hit up a small party and I actually enjoyed myself.

Plus me and Mak looked so cute!

Wednesday! AHHHH!

I dislike my Wednesday schedule. I have three classes, one of which is three hours from 6-9 at night. Very draining.

Also, it is raining and makes me want to sleep.

Caffeine is a good friend today... diet coke, diet coke, grande espresso mocha, diet coke, starbucks refresher green tea natural caffeine thing, diet coke. oh wednesday...

Red lipstick does wonders for confidence.

I was feeling a little off this morning so I took my hour to get ready and put on a cute dress and decided to rock my red lipstick. I found a shade I love and I'm boosting my confidence with a little bit out there lipstick.

I never used to understand how some people can pull off red lipstick, but the right shade is everything I suppose.

I bounced higher than I knew I could

We had a BBQ for welcome days. They had Famous Dave's and cotton candy and snowcones and spin art and inflatables and trikes and best of all, trampolines. I'm talking the strap you in and attach you to massive bungee cords and watch you shoot up in the air and do flips. I was terrified. But, my lovely roommate Mak made me get in line and do it. I was so scared the first jump up there. Then, I took a breath and flipped. I did a very lame, almost got stuck, back flip. But I did it. I couldn't stop afterwards. I only got off when one of my legs started cramping.

It proved something to me that I had been ignoring. I can do amazing things when I take a deep breath and try. So often I find myself afraid to join that club or answer that question in class or even just smile at the cute guy in the hall (so very awesomely often in a towel). I convince myself that I'm going to fail or someone will laugh at me. Failing is one thing, but the laughter terrifies me. I admit, from my high school hell days the laughter scarred me. It hurt so bad and I'm still afraid it will hurt again. I know I'm strong, but how can I be strong when someone just finds me a source of entertainment? It's a work in progress. However, I feel more sure of myself now that I bounced.

Part of me tonight is missing Chris. I know in the very bottom of my soul that I do not need to contact him nor would I. I find myself reaching for him when I feel exposed to so much new things. I'm acoustomed to falling back on him being there. I feel really exposed now that I cut ties with such finality. I feel like that dream where you wake up someplace public and you're completely naked. I'm scrambling for something to hold onto but in my heart I know it's time to stop holding on and maybe try to let go. No Chris for me, but a little part of me is curious to see if he'll keep trying to text me throughout the year. hee hee I deserve a little attention :p

My first weekend back

We hit up the dry frat and my friends disappeared except for the roomie. We came back at 11:30 and went to sleep shortly after. Yepp.

Saturday consisted of phone calls and movies. No homework but a good attempt. Also, I bought a new laptop.

Good weekend so far.

First Friday back with my girls... hmmm..

So... it is the first Friday back. I wonder what trouble we shall find and how badly my anxiety and introvertedness will rear its ugly head tomorrow/later tonight....

Oh boy.

I think this year will be full of homework. For the most part, I've never had to work too hard in school. Even college last year was relatively easy. This year, I already feel like I'm in over my head. I know I will hit my stride and settle into things, but right now I feel as if I'm going to either fail or lose my mind.

I'm smart and great at organizing my time. I know how to study and I can take good notes. But something about this year feels like a challenge. I welcome it but can still feel ill at ease.

I miss my parents a lot. I miss coming home and talking about my day. I miss a hug and a love you goodnight. Its like going to bed feels empty.

So for now I will take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

yearnings... and very hard class

so. my literary and cultural theory class is going to be the single most mentally and brain power draining class I'm ever going to take. it's fast paced and incredibly packed full of information. I love it, but wednesday nights after three hours of this class i'm going to be a brain dead mush pile. great.

also, i have a strange yearning for something but i dont know what it is yet. i feel as if i'm waiting for something to happen to me but that frightens me. I hate not knowing whats going to happen. I hate waiting for the ability to figure out whats in my own head...

sorry for the bad punctuation in these last few posts. i literally have mere minutes to crank out these posts. real fun.

back to homework. even on my day off i have no time to rest.

somewhere over the rainbow...

he texted again today. my patience is being tried. my heart strings are being tugged. but i held strong.

chris : "hey" (4th time this month, record since we were together....)
me: "look. i'm at school. i like my life. just leave me alone. you blew it."

nothing came after that. the you blew it was a little much but it helps keep my distance. screw him.

you know, i wished last night at 11:11 that he would never text me again. that failed. im mad at all the times i wished for him and nothing but now when i want nothing it works. karma? I would have said fate and used it as a reason to let him back but something has changed.

i feel incredible. school is barely a worry. i love my life and friends. i feel optimistic that its a good year. i refuse to PUT myself back in a place where chris can hurt me again.

ive been dreaming of flying over the rainbow to a better happier place for so long and now im just so calm and real and here. no rainbow needed.

over my rainbow wasnt a place, but simply a peace of mind that came after i let it stop raining.

Missing home

No matter how excited I am about being at school, I still miss home when I crawl in bed and its loud here. I miss the only sounds being the cat. I miss the air conditioning. I miss the sounds of mom going potty at 2am.

I miss my family. But!!! This year there is low anxiety. I am happy and calm.

I feel optimistic and I have a general good feeling about this year.  :)

Back at school

MakWell I'm back. Everything seems good. The freshman girls are a little snottier than I hoped but oh well.

My room is good. For a first night only waking up 3 times isn't bad, especially in this heat. Mak is a great roommate so far. Its good to see my friends again. Life is just kinda floating in the shallows til classes start and we all hit the rapids.

Yes, I have homework now but all in all its good.

No word on the Chris front if anyone wondered. I hope there never comes anything on the Chris front ever, I mean ever, again.

Moving forward at warp speed!

I move back to school tomorrow!!! So excited. Ready for a new year.

I fixed my school plan so I only need 4 classes and I'm just ready for everything new this year.

I have wanted to lash out at Chris a lot lately. I want to just see him and show him somehow that I don't need him anymore. Its not possible though.

I am optimistic that I will hopefully meet someone new this year. Maybe I will see people with new eyes as I've been freed of the pain of Chris in my life. Who knows?

Oh wow.

I haven't thought about Chris in days. That's such a good feeling.

I'm starting my sophomore year in college but junior credit wise. Life is just awesome.

I know my degree is not going to help me with a job asap but I'm on the right path to getting a job as a psychologist and doing what interests me most.

I'm just amazed at how far I've come in the last couple years. I never would have imagined that I would be here if you had asked me two years ago.

One big broken heart, tons of transitions, a heck of a lot of self discovery, and a whole lot of love has gotten me here and I appreciate it.

Peace

I've said my piece and now I have peace.

Although my life is hectic, I'm calm. Its all going to pan out fine. For that I'm thankful. Its nice to just breathe.

Since Chris left the picture, I have felt more empty. However, its not a bad empty. Its like cleaning your room and taking out the trash. Its weird to see the floor again, but its a fresh slate. I feel like an empty vessel ready to be filled with friends, school, and new experiences.

So I will revel in my busy peace and be happy with all the ways my life is blessed right now.

My voice

I have a string voice. I stand up for things I believe in. I'm loud when I'm right. I'm firm when need be. I cry. I'm full of emotion that spills into my voice.

I very rarely stay silent. When I do, something has seriously hurt me. The fact that I didn't want to speak to Chris after he stood me up is huge. I'm always yelling and telling him how he did me wrong. But I was seriously hurt and I was letting my scabs heal before I spoke.

I texted him tonight with a simple message. " You hurt my feelings. I gave you a chance and you just ruined everything. I can't forgive you and I never want to see you again. This is the end of everything."

I had to put the final nail in the coffin myself. I don't think I could have been ok never talking to him or seeing him if I hadn't at least said I was hurt. There is a strength in voicing my desire to never see him. I believe in myself more now.

Part of me wishes for a response back giving excuses and trying to save what little we had. However, I know it won't come. He will remain silent as will I now.

Sometime in my life I will have to face my own voice and tremble at its strengths it tells me to go further and faster than I want, but I will listen. My voice is strong. But mostly, my voice is true. 

The inevitable "Hey"

So, whenever Chris and I don't talk or I decide that I'm done caring, he inevitably texts me just one word, "Hey". This has become the most loaded text message I ever receive.

Now usually, I respond and things go back to being semi-normal between us until we stop talking again. Today, that was not the case. After his little standing me up stunt, I'm done. I refuse to cave in to the anxiety that I feel when his number pops up on my screen. I'm not strong enough to stay silent, but I stuck with simplicity. My response? "The person whose number you've reached doesn't want to speak to you."

Call me petty, but I needed to not only close the door on him, but I needed to slam it in his face a little bit at least. I have no intentions of following up with any other witty comments or even acknowledging him if he texts me again. I needed a closing comment that rocked and I'm pretty proud of that.

Over the next months and possibly years, he will text me again. It is inevitable. But I plan on working on the anxiety I feel when his number shows up. In giving myself a new mantra and telling myself that it's just my brain's way of saying this stresses us out and that it is just a reaction that will fade over time if I can remember that that falling feeling in my stomach is dread and not butterflies.

I read this great article on Psychology Today (awesome website btw). It was about way to rid yourself of the dire need to beg, plead, and hang on to an ex. It's a list of different affirmations you tell yourself to calm your mind and body when you get triggered by that ex. Here's the link : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break

One of the best of these affirmations is this "Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely."

This reminds me so much of how my life is with him. I don't need to subject myself to this anymore. I will keep this in mind in the coming parts of my life. 

That little lying, conniving bastard!

So, I was stood up. Not only was I stood up, but it was in favor of a different ex girlfriend.

Chris and Karie have a thing again. Well good for them. I'm so happy that the guy that was telling me how much he likes being with me and how "kissing me gives him butterflies" and when I'm in his arms it "just feels right". He's a big fat liar Karie and he probably was screwing me when you two got back together or whatever. So enjoy your cheater and little butt face. For real.

I am now mortified at how concerned I was that he didn't show up yesterday. I was worried something had happened to him, but nope. Now, I just feel duped and pathetic. More than I already did.

You know, I was really trying to give things a chance to work out. I had quit pushing him and all that, but still that wasn't enough to grace me with his presence.

Just to be clear... I'm mad and upset about being stood up, lied to, and not even graced with a response from Chris himself (I heard about Karie from a friend). If there was any sort of feelings left for him, they sure as hell are gone now. Chris can go die in a fucking hole for all I care. And if I had the unfortunate luck to walk past said hole, I'd leave him down there and spit in it.

My words are angry and that's how I feel. Something I valued is now gone. Yeah, it wasn't a relationship or really anything, but it was kinda nice having someone to talk to and hold me for once. I have a right to be upset after all he's put me through. The rudeness of just blowing me off is what really gets me going. I'm not even worthy of hearing rejection from him. That's awesome.

Now, I'm no longer treading water. It's sink or swim in my emotions. I'm gonna make this into a turning point for me. I'm going to direct this anger into protecting me from falling into the trap that is Chris. Fuck him. No more answering his text messages. I'm even going to block his number so if there ever was something from him. Even an apology, I won't see it. No more. No more stupid broken record on my part. No more saying I'm going to leave him alone and not really holding to it. I'm fucking done with his shit. He's a liar and I won't be missing anything (besides some awesome sex, but there is probably better someplace else, I won't be looking just for that though in case anyone was worried. I have morals and standards and all that jazz). This is not a set back. It's the first step in the rest of my fucking life and I'm gonna kick ass from here on out. On my own. For real this time.

Treading Water, But Waiting For That Big Wave

Right now, I'm treading water in my life. I'm in one place and I'm just sort of floating here keeping my head above water. It's nice not trying to swim against the current for once. I need a break.

School starts again soon. It's crazy to think that I'm starting my second year of college and also my junior year of credits. I'm unbelievably proud of the work I've done to get here and I hope I can continue to excel at my studies while maintaining a job and a social life. We will see.

On the relationship front, there are no new faces yet. There is Chris as always. I'm tempted to do the Hannah thing and talk to him about where we are and whats between us and if maybe there could be something more. However, I know this would inevitably send him away. I'm not scared or worried that he'll leave, because I'm really great on my own. Yet, I like where things are right now. Being in limbo, treading water, with him is just nice. It's comfortable and safe-ish. I'm happy when he's around and when he's not. I enjoy talking to him and there is just something about the way he looks at me that makes me want to believe that he still loves me. But, that is a dangerous thought. I won't even entertain that idea for more than a few minutes, for the consequences on my emotions could very well be devastating if I believed that he loved me.

I do not love him. I do like him, a lot. I find him charming and sweet sometimes. He's handsome and perfect in every way when we're together. When we're not though... I'm not sure about him.

So, I am treading water. I will continue treading water until a big wave comes and makes me move.

Dating sans commitment?

So tiffany asked how things with Chris are. I explained that we talk and hang out sometimes without doing anything but then other times we're more like friends with benefits. She said that that counts as dating but its not official or exclusive or committed or even talked about. So can you date sans commitment?

Its convenience. Its an old comfort. Its something but the something isn't enough to be anything so essentially its nothing. So why?

Because my heart is so incredibly tied to his that despite both our efforts we keep ending up back in each others arms. Because he is one of the only people that I can talk to without feeling anxious. Because he's charming. Because he finds me beautiful. Because I feel special around him.

But am I special? Am I the only one? Does he run back to another ex? Does he text someone else more than me? Is he lying? Does he feel anything or is it all fake?

I'm running in circles here.

I wanna love I wanna leave...

I want you to love me. I want you to leave me.

The song keeper by yellowcard is such a powerful description of my feelings towards Chris. I want him to love me, but I want him to leave me too. It's frustrating not being able to decide how I truly want things to play out. I know I will leave. I know he will not love me. I know some part of my heart will always love him unless he changes how he treats me.

Grant it, he isn't always kind, but he is never mean. He is never pushing me away. He just lets me fit into his life when he wants me there and no other time. He never tells me to leave him alone or to move on. He never tells me not to love him. And even after everything... I have never heard him say he doesn't love me. I've never heard him say he doesn't love me anymore. He never even hints at that. His feelings are a mystery that's for sure, but he never denies feelings for me.

This I partially blame for why I can't seem to leave him just yet. He hasn't given me any real reason besides a lack of commitment to leave him for.

So, I will try to include him in my daytime life. I will try to find a ray of sunlight that might just hit both of us at the same time for once in a long time...

I wanna love, I wanna leave...

Unpack and repack...

As school approaches I have to pack up my life and ready myself to transition into the independent living style in college. I say style because there are so many people there that you're never really independent.

I came home from a great long vacation. Helping out my aunt was really great and I got a lot figured out in my own head while I was gone. I think there is definetly something to be said about a change of scenery.

So, I am unpacking from vacation and packing up for school. My life is in a state of upheaval and stress, but I am calm. I'm taking everything in stride because there is no other option short of driving myself nuts or going broke buying giant tubs to organize everything. So, I breathe instead.

life. ahhhh

i hope my harmonica arrives soon because i have some serious brain distracting to do.

you know, there has been an awful lot of talk lately from him and now there is none. novelty is gone. and so are my feelings. woosh into nothing they go. no more. bye bye. i do not miss him. i do not feel disappointed that hes gone. i was right. i knew this was coming.

so, i shall stand strong and shoot for three months of no contact and pretend like its going to be easy on those 2am nights.

im pathetic.

Kids chase novelty.. so do 19 year old boys

I'm a novelty. I'm the favorite toy that is always kept away then randomly gets taken down for a short time to play with. I'm the favorite dessert that you only get every once in awhile.

This makes those first days with me great. Everything seems so perfect. Then it gets old. The novelty wears off and I'm just another girl with feelings and expectations and all that jazz. So? He stops talking. He stops calling me cute and beautiful. Stops saying he wants to see me. Stops wanting me.

I keep waiting to cry at this realization, but I think I've known this for awhile now. This is the reason we're not together and why I'm always so terrified and happy to talk to him. This is why I'm ok with him leaving as he always does because it means he'll come back missing me again. How sick is my brain? Willing to subject myself to torture just to feel a few butterflies for a few days?

I think I was right when I cut him off before. If I can get past the missing and start to see clear again I won't be looking for him... I should just not talk to him... But, do I want one last goodbye kiss first? Want yes, need no.

Back to writing I go and hopefully I can cut him out. I'm a broken record, I know. I'm sorry. But honestly, everyone is entitled to one hopeless romance in their life. I just am using mine now.

This probably isn't going to work like I want it to.

So, despite beautiful words, fun flirting, and some great butterflies in my tummy, this probably isn't going to work. You don't trust me and I honestly don't trust you. I try to ignore the dying urge to ask what and where and with whom you are all the time, but the fact that I don't believe I'm important enough to you is the answer to my questions. So, I guess you may be an amazing guy and I love you somehow, but it will not work to go anywhere than where it's been way too many times before.

This being said, I'm not going to quit talking to you and in all liklihood, I will probably come see you, but I know it isn't going to mean anything.

I am young and I'm allowed to do what I want sometimes. I'm allowed to be dumb and see an attractive guy just cause I want to. I may be making a dumb choice, but I am not making a stupid choice. I know the consequences and I accept them.

I'm not looking for a relationship and holding onto only that, I know that won't happen. But is it so wrong to want to kiss the person who gives you butterflies?

The harsh light of day...

When the sun comes up and you open your eyes, the light hurts for that split second. Then, your eyes adjust and you can go on with your day.

When I wake up after a particularly good dream or a really good nights sleep, the light feels unwelcome. I want to go back to the place where things are dark and peaceful and there never seems to be too much unhappiness in that world. Here, the light of day is harsh.

I woke up this morning excited to see what today would bring. I posted before about hoping. I hadn't really decided if I was hoping for things to work out or not. Today, I decided. I'm not going to hope, but I'm not going to not hope either. I guess the way I see it, things will happen how they are supposed to. I can try to analyze it and figure it out or just wait and be happy now and let the chips fall where they may.

The value of thought

Everyone knows it's best to "think before you speak" "think of the consequences" "think about what you want" "think think think". Winnie the Pooh had it right. "Think think think".

There is a ton of value in thought. People respect intellectuals and the more school you have the smarter you are. So, this makes me question the true value of thought.

It took centuries for people to realize you think with your brain and not your heart. Why do we get all our ideas from something not centrally located and protected in our body? Why were we designed that way?

I think the answer is simple. Evolution does not favor thought. It favors survival, and conscious thought does not fit the bill. But, there are other reasons too. We think with our brain at the top of our body. It allows all messages and everything to run underneath it. It rules the body top down. Our brain is not a muscle like our heart. It is an organ yes, but it is a bunch of synapses that are built through our development and life experiences. The heart doesn't change, but our brain does.

Thought is valued because of fluidity and the ability to expand to encompass new ideas and new information at an ever increasing rate. Thought exists to let us find our opinions and form our morals. This is why it is important and valued. Society values thought because it allows the existence of society.

Hope is a dangerous game we play...

For a good solid year, I hoped for someone to come back to me. Then for another 6 months, I tried to be real about it. Now, I'm in a place where I want to hope but I know the danger it brings.

Hope entails putting your beliefs, life, and ideas on hold while you wait to see the outcome and wishing that it turns out like you want. Hope is dangerous. We wait on things that may never happen or may turn out very badly. We hang ourselves up on a potential possibility with no probability. The danger is the waiting.

Hope is good in times of despair. But when does hope go from being a good thing, to ruining the life we have now got to live?

I think we're all entitled to have a little hopeless hope in our lives from time to time, but we all need to reach a point where we see that hoping is doing any good anymore.

So, back to my place where I'm at right now... I have REALLY strong feelings that this might be different than before, but it never has been different in the last two years so should I quit hoping?

Am I so wrong to hope that things might actually be real when he says he misses me and is remembering old things about us and he tells me I'm on his mind like crazy and he wants to hold me and he wants to see me and he wants to respect my choice to say no to sex and he asks for my opinion and he texts me at night and in the morning and he genuinely is having a conversation for once with me?

Or have I manufactured this all out of my attitude? I did something different this time. I haven't pushed for him to always talk. I've simply been cheerful and cute and he's acting the same. I guess you get back what you give.

So this begs the question, have I been hoping for something without giving it a real chance to be different? Is my attitude the thing that was in the way the whole time? Did stopping my expectations change what he wants?

The last big thing that I've come to see is this. When Chris and I broke up, it was a mess for everyone involved. His family severely disapproves of me now and so do his old friends. My family isn't too fond of Chris either. What Chris and I have between us is great in theory and over text, but the reality comes inevitably and I think we both see that there is so much disapproval of us being together that it has tainted any future relationship if there ever was such a thing. This is something I can't fix. I can't take back what happened, nor would I want to. I'm happy on my own and so is he, but the fact still stands that after all this time we always come back to each other in some way. Maybe, just maybe, my hope, dangerous as it is, has kept something special safe from all the pain surrounding the thing that was US.

525600 minutes...

A year of minutes ... What happens in a year? How do we grow?

the value of the word no

Sometimes the simple word no is what a bossy two year old needs to hear. The bending over backwards to accommodate for her every whim is not OK. She is 2 Not twelve. She does not get to slam doors in your face and literally running start push you through the door because she doesn't like her Pajama choices. She is 2. Independence is great but I think this kid needs some serious realization about the way the world works real quick or when that baby gets here she's going to be an emotional and devastating wreck. Just my opinion. Also, no does not mean forever no. It means at this moment in time no. So no, I don't want kids but someday I might. No I don't have a job but someday I will. No is a word. Nothing more. Also side note... I feel very self conscious about my choices and words while staying here. I'm terrified I'm going to mess up.

Spacebound

This song by eminem always makes me think of Chris. Not sure why but it used to make me cry but now I just smile.

some more musings...

Over the last weekend, I've come to some realizations about how my life is going to be. I've seen that I will probably tell a life changing story someday. I will probably find someone I will love completely and want to be with them. I will probably have children of my own someday down the line. I love kids and as I get older I become more of my paranoid and overly cautious mother. I seriously would be one of those paranoid, helicopter parents. No joke. All these are things I knew already. The real realization is that these things will happen on their own time. I can't stress myself out over things far off in the distance. If I'm too busy squinting down the road, I'll miss the beautiful scenery passing by. I used to think that my heart was a broken mess and that the only way someone would love me was if they loved me for my broken-ness. But the reality is whoever is really meant to love me will love me for my whole self. In this book Amanda gave me it makes a great point, "You don't have to be broken for me". I can be a whole person broken parts and all and find a whole love that I will want to be a whole part of. Being broken is not my only definition of my self. Right now, my problems are a bigger part of my life than my triumphs, but as I grow into my personality and begin to find my way through the world, I will come to find myself happier than I could have ever been before. Chris has sporatidically been in contact since I failed to ignore his number on my phone. I haven't found myself crying about him at all. He may be part of my life forever and he may not be. We may date again someday or we may not. We may realize that our lives are going different ways and part, or we may always stay in touch. Whatever happens though, it's ok. I am happy on my own and I am happy to talk to him. I am no happier one way over the other. Yes, I loved Chris, and my teenage memories will always be filled with his smile and the smell of mcdonalds and cologne, but those are only my late teen years. If I can find a way to pay for it, my life is going to soar in the coming decade. So, I may not be your typical partying 19 almost 20 year old, but I will be me through and through. I'm going to be mature and take my life with more caution than most but I am making myself happy and along the way I will find others who are happy to be around me. Boys come and go and friends do too, but me is here to stay. That's the relationship I should work the hardest on.

writing... i think

So, I think that I'm actually going to accomplish some writing this time around. I think I might get a story going that I actually like. Maybe, I think.

The Best I Ever Had? So far.

It's one of those things that unless you've really truly loved and lost you won't get. Until something better comes along, that was the best I ever had. But it was what I had. So far, my life has been a rollercoaster and its not slowing down, but it's finally just hitting some top speeds on a level plain. Maybe I won't have any big loves for awhile. Maybe that was it, but can I really be sad and miss it? No. It happened. It was amazing. Those days were some of the happiest of my life. But, I'm not going to spend my life missing that and end up missing some great opportunity in front of me. I am lucky. I got to get a glimpse of what it's like to love someone heart and soul and I was only 16. For the rest of my life now I will know when something or someone is right because that butterflies in my stomach, head over heels, genuine terror and fascination, and above all else complete comfort will be there. So you sailed away into a gray sky morning... All the rest of my days are going to be sunny. Take your dark skies with you. But its not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. Yet! Now, the challenge is remembering this when he decides to pop into my life again. So what we talked and he said he misses me. Does that change anything? Only if he lets it. Is he running to me saying we should spend time together and talk again? Ha. No. Sure, some small part of me wishes he was serious and did miss me enough to change the way things come and go between us, but the reality is, it won't. I realize this and keep it in mind now when I catch myself staring at my phone for a message that never comes. He's gone again. Not answering my friendly good morning. So goodbye it is again. Talk to you in about a month when you start to feel me disappearing. I'm going to make my life the best I ever had, cause (cheesy) YOLO! hahahahahah

AHHHHHH

Another update: 1st: I thought I had therapy tomorrow, but I don't. It is NEXT Tuesday. 2nd: Chris is telling me his woman drama. What kind of weird ass day is this? 3rd: I am working magic bounce on Friday and Sunday. And babysitting Saturday. oh boy. 4th: My brain is seriously running so fast that typing is about the only thing keeping my brain in check. 5th: I could really use some loud Aerosmith to clear my head or tell me my feelings, but everyone is sleeping. Thank goodness for headphones. 6th: I have to fill out a tax form. Confusing! 7th: I want to crochet more, but it lets me think too much right now. 8th: I have laundry up the wazu to put away. 9th: I want my mother awake to sort all this out. Or I wish I had a girlfriend to call. Pathetic. 10th: I want to be outside, but there are bugs. I also am scared to look at the stars. See other posts for reasons. Mainly pathetic ones about Chris, but I feel allowed to have a couple soft spots. 11th: I'm firmly convinced that I am very Jaded. I need this word tattooed on my ass. In a couple years. 12th: I missed the use of my hand in typing my blogs. This is much better than using my touch screen keyboard. 13th: I like my makeup and outfit today and the only people who saw were guys at pawnshops. 14th: It feels good to wear my rings again. 15th: I need to repaint my nails. BADLY. 16th: I miss being little and crawling into mom and dads room to sleep on their floor. 17th: I wish I had some Benzodiazepines lol that would calm me down... 18th: I also want to up my gauges right now, but its too soon. 19th: I can't get my brain to get this memory out of my head right now. It's starting to disturb me. More Aerosmith will help.. 20th: I think I'm a little better now. I may be blogging more tonight. Stay tuned.

Magic bounce

So this company needs people to work the events letting kids on and off the bounces. I signed up to work but could not get access to the schedule to see when I could work. I've emailed the owner multiple times to no avail.

I have no idea what's going on. So I took a babysitting opportunity this weekend because I did not know when I would be working if I even was going to. Now, he emails asking for my help after I have accepted the babysitter job.

I want to just say screw it this isn't going to work for me. I've emailed him so many times that I feel it would be rude. But I need a schedule or more information at least. So what should I do?

Oh and to make matters worse, I feel so anxious about this whole job issue that I've lost sleep. My dreams are interrupted and my days are just a constant wait for some answer that never comes. This is horrible for me. Its so drug out I'm dying here.

Also, Chris texted me tonight. I didn't recognize his number at first! :) yay for progress.

My nerves are fried.

Hear no, see no, speak no

Crochet. My new hobby. I feel like an old woman, but it takes up my time and helps rejuevenate the hand.

My other hobby? More like guilty pleasure... Apartment shopping a year early lol

So, idle minds are the devils play things so no evil here!

Huh?

Anxiety about a possible job. My craving for comfort drives me towards that idiot boy. Nothing seems to satisfy my hunger. I'm in a state of flux. My brain is working through crap but my whole self is like "huh?"

So I sit and wait trying to figure it all out..

Tonight

I miss him today. I've made it this far and I don't want to give in now.

He's been absent from my dreams and usually my thoughts too. But tonight, it takes everything I have to not text him. Life is good. I'm happy. That's why I feel the need to talk to him. I haven't been happy without him. This is new to be cut off from him and not be miserable.

On top of everything, I feel pathetic for it taking me so long to be happy on my own. Broken hearts aren't easily healed.