Well...

In the midst of a "where the hell is my life going" crisis I realized a few key things.

1. I deserve a real relationship. Not an open one. So that came to an end.

2. The fact that in 2 years from now I will hopefully be in grad school hit home. I'm a tiny bit majorly freaking out over how I have to become an adult in the coming years. Yikes.

3. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life... Again, yikes.

4. Being sick in a three hour massive mind drain literary and cultural theory class sucks.

5. I haven't thought about Chris in an "I miss him come back to my broken heart" way in a week. Yay me!

6. I love my life. :)

Wish Trees On Campus

There are wish trees on campus today. Beautiful neon strips of paper to write wishes on. It made me think, "what do I wish for"

My wishes (In no particular order):

Free tuition (and paying off my debt already)
Another trip to Disney World
A guaranteed job after Grad school
Grad school acceptance
Finding a Grad school with a clinical psychology program
Health for all my family
My cat to be healthy and with me at school
A pet snake
Jeans that don't make my ass look huge (my butt is taking on epic proportions. time to hit the treadmill)
Lot's of shoes
To meet P!nk
Every Johnny Depp movie on dvd
To meet Johnny Depp
To meet Steven Tyler - probably biggest wish ever...
A job at Disney World
Perfect class schedule
No more anxiety
Chris to stay gone
To fall in love again
Snow with no cold weather
A better immune system
A truck
To visit the 1970's
Unlimited Diet Coke and Starbucks
A huge stuffed Tigger
A huge closet!

So that's a rough idea of my very selfish sounding wishes.

The President Hanson hate day...

The sheer amount of protest today over President Hanson's letter about the University not taking a stance on the marriage amendment is ridiculous. Hamline University is dedicated to an open learning environment that respects all students and faculties posititions on the issues in our world. The University made the right choice in my opinion. I feel it is disrespectful to protest and verbally attack everyone on campus today because you disagree with the anouncement. President Hanson and the Board of Trustees are making a choice in the best interest of the University and it should be respected.

If you are in strong support either side of the marriage amendment, then speak out. Go door to door, the capitol, or even rally on campus. However, this is not about "discrediting marriage" or "human rights" it is simply the University saying, we don't get a vote so why should we have a stance?

Ahh. Coffee. And happiness.

Lately, I have felt my mood rising. I'm becoming comfortable without Chris. I smiled today when I realized that an old song came on and I didn't feel sad. I'm ridiculously proud of  myself for being strong and not giving in. I'm allowing myself to be happy and boy does it feel good. For so long I've felt like I was't allowed to feel happy after losing the man I loved,  but the truth is, he's just a boy. There will be more. Eventually I will find one who loves me inside and out and is comfortable with me. Until then, I am happy. I will attract more attractive bees with honey than a jar full of tears. :)

Also, Starbucks has become a problem. I need, Need, NEED coffee everyday now. Welcome to adulthood lol

Hair?

I read a blog post of someone whom I greatly respect. It was about a haircut. I do have to agree, long hair oozes sex appeal, beauty, and confidence. I had a phase a few years back where I chopped off all my hair into a very VERY short bob. Cute, but not me. So, for the last few years I have been steadily  growing it out. Despite the fact that my hair grows like snail paced, it has finally reached the top of my armpit. I have been caring for my hair like it is gold. I barely ever heat treat it or dye it. The ends are a sad shade of a once blonde and are dispicablely horrendous. However, it is my beautiful hair and as it grows and I trim it to keep it healthy, I will be back at brunette in no time.

It truly is amazing though, I blow dried my hair yesterday instead of letting it do it's own thing and the amount of compliments on my hair amazed me. I see how some people can subject their hair to that everyday. The compliments abound!

But, I digress. Inspiration has left the building. Now onto writing papers for school. Ugh.

Sometimes I feel left out of the loop.

I'm going to call people out. Be prepared.

Mom - miss her texting me everyday like she used to. I'm left out of what's going on with my family and my poor cat

Friends - don't ever text me to ask me to do anything. Its always invite Mak and never me. Boo.

Katie - you get to read my almost daily blog posts. You get lax and don't post yours! I get you're busy, but so am I. Try a little for me.

My open relationship friend - I am trying to see you. This is harder than I thought.

Chris - finally gave up trying to talk to me. Thank goodness.

So there! :p

Happiness is allowed. No need to be scared.

I don't know how to be happy with a guy. I get scared when I start to feel happy because that might lead to me getting hurt. Damn Chris broke me.

Today I smiled at a text again. I smiled and laughed and joked with a guy I genuinely like. That to me sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I shall chin up and enjoy it now and if something goes wrong I know I can make it through.

I mean I made it through a living hell on earth with Chris. If they set off a bomb I think that'd be easier than the Chris scenario again. Thankfully, I learned and now know not to believe in someone with my whole heart. Humans are fallible, the only real trust is in the self. My mind can be a place of peace. Meditation is teaching me this.

Wanting to say something.

I've been writing letters for awhile now. I never send any of them, but I feel like I need a closure through some sort of public forum so here:

Chris,

I wish I knew exactly what to say. I'm mad and hurt and above all disappointed, in both of us. I waited around in the wings for two years. I chose to leave you behind and I do not regret that choice now. You have had your fair share of time to come back to me. I'm not going to let you half ass back into my life.

That being said, I do miss you and I probably will for a little while. I miss your smile and laugh and the sound of your heartbeat. However, I don't miss your wishy washy personality, your cruel way of keeping me in the dark, and the shame you associated with being with me.

I don't want to hear from you. I don't want to and will not contact you. Missing you will change, but the pain you cause will not. So, I'm doing what is best and walking away. I loved you. Forever, I promised. But I guess we're not meant for forever.

Always,
Hannah

So now I've said my little piece and I feel calm yet again.

Having no expectations isn't in my nature.

So, I am very happy with the way my life is going. However,  it is hard to have no expectations or hopes with the open relationship thing. (see previous post). It's not in my nature to not worry and obsess and loop my brain in circles around everything. I just can't accept things as they are and not push for a reason why or what will happen next. Or if something is a change how am I supposed to just let that be?

I'm proud of myself today though. I'm proud for getting up early to shower the sweat of the club off me. I'm proud for finding my way through Minneapolis and back to St. Paul without freaking out. I'm proud of settling things with Dillon and making my wants clear. I'm just generally proud of myself.

Yes, today I feel very anxious and uncomfortable. Will I let that change my day? No way. I'm learning ways to acknowledge my anxiety and then move past it. Meditation never seems to work when I'm there, but afterwards I always feel as if I am more aware of myself.

Alas, the end of the post. Gerrrrr. Homework.

Open to new experiences.

DillonBrave little me drug my ass out to the club tonight. Mak and I proceeded to leave 30 minutes later. But oh well. Not mine or her cup of tea.

We navigated our way back home two hours later. From the creep drunk guy who called us fat 12 year olds to the nice bus driver who kindly got us back, Mak and I did it on our own.

Now, another important development must be addressed. I am text message agreed upon, in an open relationship. Now most of my readers, mothers breathe, are rolling their eyes now. But hear me out.

Dillon and I dated freshman year of high school and stayed good friends ever since. We had an awkward hook up once last year then nothing. We recently rekindled friendship and realized we're looking for the same thing. A someone who understands that life happens and we're young, but still is there to talk and enjoy naked from time to time. We're both looking for honesty in each other and if someone else comes along its ok to follow them. It's just nice to have someone to call if I needed a person. He very kindly offered to rescue me and Mak tonight which made up my mind basically. So, besides the fact that he isn't Chris, Dillon is a good change of pace for me. Maybe something awesome will happen. But if not, my life won't be over.

Missing my comfort

I have decided I'm going to say I miss my comfort rather than missing Chris. Its not him. Its the way he makes me feel settled, safe, comfortable, and at peace.

I'm learning how to find that on my own. Meditation is helping and so is staying busy. Still. I miss my comfort.

the importance of vitamins

I totally spaced on taking my vitamins yesterday. I was feeling fine, but then this morning I just crashed. It is really amazing how much of a difference a b vitamin can make. 

I'm just off today now. It's wednesday and I have my night class and I'm just really stressed. 

I guess a half hour nap is allowed on a day like this.... but oh so much homework...

Hmm

I'm alone and happy. That's new. I don't want to just hook up. I deserve more and I'm ok with waiting for my someone.

good and not?

So this is no false alarm. There are feelings going towards other people besides Chris. However, it turns out that the friend I was talking to wants the same thing that most douche bag guys want. I was really enjoying talking to him, but it was really all a ploy to get me naked. So another one bites the dust. But, it is good to know that I do have the ability to feel emotion outside of Chris.

On another note, I was powering through homework and wrote 3 pages in about 30 minutes. that is impressive.

Stirrings in a new direction!!!!

I just had the best moment ever.... i had an inkling of liking someone besides chris. i will keep updated on if this is real or a false alarm. stay tuned

Still?

Still, he jumps into my mind sometimes. It's getting to be less frequent, but it just throws my day off. I hate that despite everything, I still miss how things used to be two years ago. I hate that it's been two years since we were together. I hate that so much has changed. I hate that love happened. I hate him now.

I wish so much that I would never have fallen in love with him. I hate how much it disrupted my life. I hate that my heart knows Chris as love. Everyone else gets inevitably compared to him and I hate that. Nothing ever feels right. I haven't felt really connected to anyone since he left. I have friends and all that, but no one special. I don't know how to love someone else.

I hate that my life has been so destroyed by him, yet he never once stopped enough to realize I wasn't his anymore. Grant it, until now, I had never really left. I just can't believe that he truly loved me, if he did I feel like he would have tried harder or something!

So I guess I'm healing. Everyday is a step away from him. I haven't broken down yet and it's going well. Sometimes, I just can help but say, I miss him. Still.

Bing Crosby

I blame my mother for my love of this man's voice. When we watched White Christmas every year for Christmas, I fell in love. It is my mother's favorite movie.

So, when I finally jumped on the Pandora bandwagon, I added a Bing Crosby channel. I'm so happy. Best homework music and just relaxing music. Plus, it reminds me of Christmas at home.

On an unrelated note, I have missed Starbucks when I was home. I have a coffee problem now. Great.

Good times

I love how I'm working towards going out more frequently. Like tonight. We hit up a small party and I actually enjoyed myself.

Plus me and Mak looked so cute!

Wednesday! AHHHH!

I dislike my Wednesday schedule. I have three classes, one of which is three hours from 6-9 at night. Very draining.

Also, it is raining and makes me want to sleep.

Caffeine is a good friend today... diet coke, diet coke, grande espresso mocha, diet coke, starbucks refresher green tea natural caffeine thing, diet coke. oh wednesday...

Red lipstick does wonders for confidence.

I was feeling a little off this morning so I took my hour to get ready and put on a cute dress and decided to rock my red lipstick. I found a shade I love and I'm boosting my confidence with a little bit out there lipstick.

I never used to understand how some people can pull off red lipstick, but the right shade is everything I suppose.

I bounced higher than I knew I could

We had a BBQ for welcome days. They had Famous Dave's and cotton candy and snowcones and spin art and inflatables and trikes and best of all, trampolines. I'm talking the strap you in and attach you to massive bungee cords and watch you shoot up in the air and do flips. I was terrified. But, my lovely roommate Mak made me get in line and do it. I was so scared the first jump up there. Then, I took a breath and flipped. I did a very lame, almost got stuck, back flip. But I did it. I couldn't stop afterwards. I only got off when one of my legs started cramping.

It proved something to me that I had been ignoring. I can do amazing things when I take a deep breath and try. So often I find myself afraid to join that club or answer that question in class or even just smile at the cute guy in the hall (so very awesomely often in a towel). I convince myself that I'm going to fail or someone will laugh at me. Failing is one thing, but the laughter terrifies me. I admit, from my high school hell days the laughter scarred me. It hurt so bad and I'm still afraid it will hurt again. I know I'm strong, but how can I be strong when someone just finds me a source of entertainment? It's a work in progress. However, I feel more sure of myself now that I bounced.

Part of me tonight is missing Chris. I know in the very bottom of my soul that I do not need to contact him nor would I. I find myself reaching for him when I feel exposed to so much new things. I'm acoustomed to falling back on him being there. I feel really exposed now that I cut ties with such finality. I feel like that dream where you wake up someplace public and you're completely naked. I'm scrambling for something to hold onto but in my heart I know it's time to stop holding on and maybe try to let go. No Chris for me, but a little part of me is curious to see if he'll keep trying to text me throughout the year. hee hee I deserve a little attention :p

My first weekend back

We hit up the dry frat and my friends disappeared except for the roomie. We came back at 11:30 and went to sleep shortly after. Yepp.

Saturday consisted of phone calls and movies. No homework but a good attempt. Also, I bought a new laptop.

Good weekend so far.

First Friday back with my girls... hmmm..

So... it is the first Friday back. I wonder what trouble we shall find and how badly my anxiety and introvertedness will rear its ugly head tomorrow/later tonight....

Oh boy.

I think this year will be full of homework. For the most part, I've never had to work too hard in school. Even college last year was relatively easy. This year, I already feel like I'm in over my head. I know I will hit my stride and settle into things, but right now I feel as if I'm going to either fail or lose my mind.

I'm smart and great at organizing my time. I know how to study and I can take good notes. But something about this year feels like a challenge. I welcome it but can still feel ill at ease.

I miss my parents a lot. I miss coming home and talking about my day. I miss a hug and a love you goodnight. Its like going to bed feels empty.

So for now I will take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

yearnings... and very hard class

so. my literary and cultural theory class is going to be the single most mentally and brain power draining class I'm ever going to take. it's fast paced and incredibly packed full of information. I love it, but wednesday nights after three hours of this class i'm going to be a brain dead mush pile. great.

also, i have a strange yearning for something but i dont know what it is yet. i feel as if i'm waiting for something to happen to me but that frightens me. I hate not knowing whats going to happen. I hate waiting for the ability to figure out whats in my own head...

sorry for the bad punctuation in these last few posts. i literally have mere minutes to crank out these posts. real fun.

back to homework. even on my day off i have no time to rest.

somewhere over the rainbow...

he texted again today. my patience is being tried. my heart strings are being tugged. but i held strong.

chris : "hey" (4th time this month, record since we were together....)
me: "look. i'm at school. i like my life. just leave me alone. you blew it."

nothing came after that. the you blew it was a little much but it helps keep my distance. screw him.

you know, i wished last night at 11:11 that he would never text me again. that failed. im mad at all the times i wished for him and nothing but now when i want nothing it works. karma? I would have said fate and used it as a reason to let him back but something has changed.

i feel incredible. school is barely a worry. i love my life and friends. i feel optimistic that its a good year. i refuse to PUT myself back in a place where chris can hurt me again.

ive been dreaming of flying over the rainbow to a better happier place for so long and now im just so calm and real and here. no rainbow needed.

over my rainbow wasnt a place, but simply a peace of mind that came after i let it stop raining.

Missing home

No matter how excited I am about being at school, I still miss home when I crawl in bed and its loud here. I miss the only sounds being the cat. I miss the air conditioning. I miss the sounds of mom going potty at 2am.

I miss my family. But!!! This year there is low anxiety. I am happy and calm.

I feel optimistic and I have a general good feeling about this year.  :)

Back at school

MakWell I'm back. Everything seems good. The freshman girls are a little snottier than I hoped but oh well.

My room is good. For a first night only waking up 3 times isn't bad, especially in this heat. Mak is a great roommate so far. Its good to see my friends again. Life is just kinda floating in the shallows til classes start and we all hit the rapids.

Yes, I have homework now but all in all its good.

No word on the Chris front if anyone wondered. I hope there never comes anything on the Chris front ever, I mean ever, again.

Moving forward at warp speed!

I move back to school tomorrow!!! So excited. Ready for a new year.

I fixed my school plan so I only need 4 classes and I'm just ready for everything new this year.

I have wanted to lash out at Chris a lot lately. I want to just see him and show him somehow that I don't need him anymore. Its not possible though.

I am optimistic that I will hopefully meet someone new this year. Maybe I will see people with new eyes as I've been freed of the pain of Chris in my life. Who knows?