By The Way

2011 is finished at the end of today. It's hard to believe a year has flown by so fast. This year has been so much change and hustle and bustle. I'm almost excited for the mundane everyday life to set back in.

For this new years, I decided to do 11 truths for 2011.

11. Hamline university is the most amazing school ever. In my opinion of course. Besides offering fantastic academics and amazing people, it has become my home. Because for once, I belong.

10. I am who I am. No stupid social stigma or peer pressure will ever change that again. This year I learned who I am and although the process was long and painful sometimes, I'm aware of myself better than ever before.

9. Honesty I the best policy. Whether it's with friends, relationships, or just yourself, being honest about what you think and feel and believe makes life much more enjoyable. There is no reason to lie.

8. Love isn't simple. Part of love is being confused out of your mind because your heart is too busy being in love. Pain is part of love and so is happiness. The biggest thing to remember here is this; love changes us no matter who or how we love.

7. Time always seems slow, but it flies by too fast. This year seemed to drag on forever, but looking back there is so much that was so quick I didn't even realize what I missed.

6. Personal accomplishments are personal. I finished high school alive. I got into college. I moved away from home. I am OK. So many of those things seem inconsequential to most people, but for me, I worked harder than I imagined I could to make it this far. My personal accomplishments are personal.

5. People are individuals. Despite what we want, people are free to make their own decisions and live their lives the way they want to. We cannot change them, only our perceptions of them may change.

4. Wishes sometimes come true not exactly as we planned. This last year, I wished hard for someone to be in my life again. I got my wish granted, but it was an empty fulfillment. He was back, but nit where or how I wanted. Be careful what you wish for.

3. Dreams make goals for the future. We dream to process and understand our subconscious. The things we dream of are the wants our brain isn't always capable of saying.

2. Will power grows on itself. When we do something that takes a lot of will, accomplishing it makes us more confident and stronger willed than before.

1. Pain is not a sensation, it is a perception of a sensation. Pain can be mental, physical, and emotional. Pain is relative to the individual. It is not a pain tolerance, it is an ability to recognize a sensation and not perceive it of hurt. The things that hurt us emotionally and mentally can be avoided or they can be confronted and we realize it is only a temporary sensation.

These 11 truths are the essence of what I've learned and experienced this year. Some of it was pretty damn awful, but pain is conquerable. I did it. I made it through 2011 and 2012 is going to be a year to be remembered fondly :-)

Pain

Tonight, I sit awake shaking and crying and so anxious it hurts. I am so alone right now. I am so in need of a real date with a nice guy who's got it all together. I miss chris in times like this because all I really want at this moment is to just call him and hear his voice say it's ok. I miss having him to always go to to run away from problems. Being a grown up and handling everything yourself sucks sometimes.

But I am a grown up. I am mature enough to realize I will make it through this. The pain will subside. I will be back home soon. I have stuff to focus on until then. I can be ok. I don't really need anyone. I know the difference between wants and needs. I don't need chris to make me feel better. I can play games to distract from the panic. I can do relaxing breathing to help calm my body and mind. I can start reading for school. I can making collages for my friends. I can work on my own novel some more. I can focus on other things and be productive despite the panic. I don't know how always, but I know I sure as hell can do it.

A Thousand Years

I love this song by Christina Perri. It is so beautiful and inspiring to wait for the love of your life. Forget that it is in the new twilight movie and it's great. It's on repeat right now. :)

This christmas was great. I saw family. I got some presents. I ate good food. I felt the love in my life.

There is however, something missing this christmas. I know this is cheesy, but I miss having someone special to kiss under the mistletoe. I miss having that one special person to find the perfect gift for. It feels like a part of christmas just isn't complete.

Most of the time I'm perfectly alright being alone. I normally don't feel the need to have someone in my life. I'm busy and happy on my own I don't need someone to complicate things. Yet, at 3:15 am I feel it is ok to say I feel a little lonely and that I may miss that special someone who never has to worry about cuddling with me. I just wish sometimes for a little bit I wouldn't be totally unlovable.

Merry christmas and happy holidays.

Dreaming Dreaming Dreaming

I love when I have time to sleep long periods at a time. I have the most interestingly vivid dreams when I have the time to have them. I imagine new adventures and places to see and I dream of the friends and people that truly matter in my life now.

I love my dreams more often than not. However, I had a dream that I was literally scared to death by a haunted house zombie attack. I know it may seem silly, but the dream was so real I could feel their dead breathe down my neck and I could smell the rotten flesh. The dream scared me so bad that not only did I pass out in my dream, but I didn't dream the rest of the night. I think it scared me to the point of unconsciousness even while I was sleeping.

My point with all this is that my nervous are so sensitive and raw lately, that it seems like the smallest things send me into an anxious moment where I'm trying to hold myself together by pressing my arms hard against my chest to give some sort of calm to my nervous system.

Being home is not relaxing other that the massive amounts of sleep I get. Family stresses me out. It takes a real mental and emotional toll on me to be home. I love my family, but this place just doesn't feel like my home anymore.

Found an Old Poem...

untitled:
Hannah Meyers

back in my closet
in a box full of ash
is a smaller box
full of my past

containing "vintage"
promises and forevers
old pictures of him
from when we were together

i littered the notes
with tear drops like rain
refeeling every word
with a whole lot of pain

i found a certain picture
and a special note
the picture was us smiling
and this is what he wrote

"love your boyfriend today,
husband in the future, and
lover forever"

now none of that is true
because we're not together
it's lies through and through
husband? never.

the pain is intense
but only from absence
i haven't been so aware
of your not presence

time heals all
or so it's been said
i disagree.
because it's all in my head

nothing shall fade
with any time past
because i promised
and true love lasts

Home and Anxious

Being at home is great to see my family and I love the feeling of being in my house. However, being home makes me see just how lonely I am sometimes. Here, no one is awake at 2 to talk to me or just keep me company. I miss my friends at school so much.

Also, being home makes me have all these old memories of my high school years and being so close to Blaine makes me literally want to run back to my dorm and be safely away from there.

I don't know what to do with myself here and I have so little control over anything it's causing all this anxiety. It's making me sleepy all the time because that's one of the things I have control over... it's annoying.

Just thought I should update again. Happy holidays...

snow falling

As the snow falls outside my window I want so badly to have someone who I feel comfortable cuddling up with and being just together. I want a someone to kiss in the snow and under the mistletoe. However, I know I don't need someone, but it doesn't make me any less lonely.

I wish I had someone to fall asleep talking to on the phone or in person and the same person to say good morning to everyday. I desperately miss the constancy of a relationship.

The snow will continue to fall and I know I may not have a someone who is good enough for me for awhile still, and that's ok. I'm not going to give up.

a little nostalgia

When I go back to andover, I always have this unspoken anxiety about who or what might happen. I wish so bad before I go home that things were different and nothing bad had ever happened. I wish that my life had included long standing friends back home. I missed out on a lot because of the way the depression debilitated me. I missed out on friendships and I missed out on love because this disorder caused so much pain in my everyday life.

I don't usually talk about last year. I don't usually talk about having depression. I avoid saying anything about this huge part of who I came to be. Depression ruled my life when it got bad. It still comes in waves. I have just put myself in a better place here at school. I have learned to handle the crippling sadness and the loss of desire to eat or move even. I know when it is coming and I fight it as hard as I can now.

However, the depression is not the only problem I have in my life. I have really bad anxiety and I have OCD. I have panic attacks and large social situations outside of my group of friends sends me into a mental frenzy. People being in my personal space and making an intimate connection with me literally will cause my heart to race my whole body to shiver and yet I'm burning up. Tests cause a need to wrap myself into a ball of blankets as tight as I can to help calm my nervous system.

The anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It has affected the friends I've made and the activities I do. Anxiety rules my habits. I bite my lip since I was little and its crooked now when I smile. I have cleaning sprees when I get stressed. I have a thing for organization. I hate feet touching my feet. I don't like people sharing my clothes or my shoes. I am so loud and crazy with my friends, but in large groups or with anxious situations, I am practically silent and my voice hides from my opinions. The first day of school sends me into a terror for days beforehand. I startle easily. I can go on about all the ways I affects my life, but I will stop here.

As I said above, I can handle the depression. I know how to effectively distract and utilize the sadness to make myself ok. However, the anxiety is slowly taking over and I feel out of controll which bothers me. I have to live my life so carefully to avoid causing any trigger of the panic. It limits my life here in college. It limits my ability to form relationships. It is difficult to manage everything with the anxiety. I am on medicine to help to give me back control, but this drugged feeling is almost more troubling than the anxiety itself. Not to mention that it has strange side effects.

I want a more permanent solution. I want to know why and where this anxiety came from. I want to know what I can do to make it go away. I want to find a permanent place where I can stand in my life and say I am comfortable with how I feel way deep inside. I want the satisfaction and comfort of being in control of this part of me.

I want to rid myself of this so I can truly be open to new experiences here in school. I want to be able to breathe everyday as easily as the day before. I want the ability to be comfortably open to falling in love anew. I want to make new connections that don't scare the living breath out of me.

For these reasons, I went on a quest to figure out why and how and what. I start therapy soon. I stay on the meds because it does help a little bit. I am working on thinking about why things are so scary to me. I'm working at this thing to take back the control. I refuse to let this disorder take over.

christmas cheer!

I broke into my piggy bank and took the money and went out with my friends to see a christmas carol at comedy sportz. It was absolutely hilarious! I had such a blast! Being together and laughing and just having fun made me so happy to know these people are my friends.

I also realized just how many people are suffering out in the snow this holiday season. I wished I could only do more, but then I realized I am doing what I can in my life.

Always Dreaming

I am always dreaming of tomorrow. I am always wishing for things to be what they aren't now. I always want to move forward. I never stop and look at where I am. I am always pushing forward to the next thought. My writing is messy because I think faster than I can write. My school things are always stressful because I look at what is coming. My conversations generalld have no filter because I am always just speaking and moving to the next thought.

Last night, I laid down and I was going to think about a boy and as I tried to consider my past with Chris, I realized I pushed away the past so much. I realized I was running from what I was. I am always me. No evil past can change that. As I sat expecting to cry over Chris, I just realized it wasn't worth it. I don't need to lament over yesterdays and the distant past. I don't need to analyze what he is doing in my life. I don't really need him at all. He wouldn't be able to handle the mature me for very long anyways. He's too immature for who I am now, inside and out.

No more running from my past. I am not jumping to the future either. I am going to stand where I am and just spin in circles and smile as the snow falls around me. I am here and that is all I can control and worry about at the moment.

Nothing really to say in the time I have...

I've been so busy these last few days and I will be continually busy for the rest of the week. I'm free for the holidays as of the 17th. Until then, survival mode to the extreme. Breathe... I can do this!

wishing isn't always good for you

For a very long time, I wished for the same thing. I wanted someone and something specific. Then, I started wishing just for anything about this person. Then, I gave up on wishing because I was done with that wish. Now, it is granted. Now I got a little piece of the wish I made every night on every star and every 11:11 and every lucky penny in my life. I wished so hard and when I give up because my wish was a bad wish, it comes true.

Wishing can push you to your greatest moments or your weakest of falls. Being on top of the world wishing for life to stay this way is good. Yet, laying on the ground or the hood of a '97 Buick le sabre for a year is not. Part of learning to live life and be happy with everything is to accept life as it is and not try to change things that you can't.

I love this prayer right now. It is everything in a nutshell.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This is something I cannot change. I accept that with peace. I have courage to stay strong and be myself in this situation. The me I know here, and not the me I wish I could have changed. I know the difference here. I can do this. I can be an adult and be friendly and stay strong in my happiness, my friendships, my life here, and most of all in myself.