so much has happened lately!

I went to a party.
Rich went crazier than normal.
I am planning a club trip.

So much going on!

Shall explain later. Tired now. Night.

Faith kick...

With my new years resolutions, which I am still keeping along with a better diet, I have kind of fallen back on my faith roots. Trying to be a better person just fits with the whole believing in God and heaven and hell and maybe some sort of balance in the universe. Grant it, you won't see me coming back to the Catholic church anytime soon, however that is a different post.

I know I would not have the strength or courage to keep with my new years resolutions or to believe in myself. I have so many mental health problems and not too mention I am not happy with my physical appearance sometimes, but knowing there is some power out there that loves unconditionally is reassuring.

Being a better person also gives me hope that someday I will make it to heaven. Part of why I completely quit believing was because I didn't want to confront my faults and the reality that I probably would have gone to hell. No joke. I was seriously making poor choices. But, I learned.

Balance in the world, or a concept of Karma, is something I have come to find extremely true in my life and in life in general. Call it what you want, but you do good and get good or you do bad and you get bad. I felt bad when I was making poor decisions; I feel great when I make good choices. Karma dictates cause and effect in the universe. That is a logical principle that I can buy into. It makes sense to me.

All in all, I have found myself instinctively listening to Christian music and making conscious decisions about right and wrong. I feel like something out there, God, is guiding me through the trials of living a good life and helping me when I stumble.

it's getting bad again...

Project proposal. Presentation. Reading after reading. Cleaning. Waiting to hear about a roommate. End of j-term. Beginning of spring term. Not enough sleep. Not hungry enough. Too hungry. Focused. Unfocused. Sick. Confused. Cold. Hot. Early. Late. New people in the dorms. New schedule soon.

These things would stress out most people. I have anxiety, depression, and OCD. Everything that stresses me out causes mini internal panics. The panics make me scared. Being scared makes the depression worse. Stress means time crunch which limits how much I can do to combat the OCD. Not taking care of the OCD makes more anxiety which starts the cycle all over again.

Many people don't understand that mental illnesses are just like any other sickness. There is medicine to treat it, but there are also more wholistic and self-help things too. My problems don't define who I am, but they certainly affect it. For me, I am constantly on edge about something. It takes a toll on my brain and my health. I get sick easily and sometimes I freak out about school projects and either over do them or just forget them at all and do nothing. When you tell me, or anyone with anxiety, to not worry and just breathe it doesn't help. I cannot help obsessing and worrying about things. It is a part of my body that I cannot control. I am working on it, but it takes time.

I am freaking out right now because the j-term is almost over and I have no clue how next semester will be. The first day of new classes and school always scared me. Ever since I was little I had issues with school starting. The new semester is the same way. I get jittery, and hyper then I crash and become a crying worrying mess. I have a hard time explaining the anxiety about this. The best I can explain is like ia really heavy bomb in my chest that I can hear ticking faster and faster the closer I get to whatever makes me anxious. It is like I'm just trying to hold the grenade with my internal organs because the pin has been pulled. It is a horrible feeling.

I miss my mom on nights and moments like this. No matter how old I was or am she always sits with me and hugs me and reassures me that it will be ok and I will get through. It never made the anxiety go away, but I remember countless nights crawling into her lap after I tried to sleep and couldn't. She would just let me sit there and be comforted by her presence. And my dad would sit up when I was freaking out and help calm me down and make me feel stronger and more confident that I would make it through.

Being on my own is great. I'm learning so much here and I really love my life. However, I miss my parents being there whenever I need them. I know they are just a phonecall away, but I really miss being able to crawl in their laps and pretend like feeling 5 is ok and being scared is only temporary.

winnie the pooh

I. Love. Winnie the pooh. And. Tigger. They are so simple and sweet and remind me of my life when things were easy. It takes away the anxiety to just curl up with tigger and cuddle under my tigger fleece and watch the multitudes of dvds of winnie the pooh that I have :)

Learning, Growing, Defining.

Every moment in life we are learning. We learn as young children not to touch hot stoves when we burn our middle finger and then flick off a priest. We learn how to tie our shoes and go to school. We learn how to make friends and how to make enemies. We learn right from wrong. Then we grow to be teenagers. We learn how people lie. We learn how to BE cool and how to BE lame. We learn how to procrastinate. We learn how to love. We learn about heartbreak. We learn about life. Then we graduate. In college we learn so much so fast. Here we learn what friendship really is. We learn the real meanings of silly words like cool or lame. We learn how to grow a real relationship. We learn about ourselves. We learn our likes and dislikes. We learn how to drink and smoke and have scary promiscuous sex. We learn the effects of choices. We learn to think before we act and speak. We learn to grow as ourselves. Then we graduate again. Now, we are adults in the real world with lives that often depend on us. We learn to work and to be adult. We learn about marriage and babies. We learn about loss and grief. We begin to slightly understand all the things we've learned our whole lives. And someday, far in the future, after babies and grandbabies and hopefully great grandbabies, we die.

Why learn so much if we never teach? Every life experience that makes us unique is something that someone else may experience and look for someone to guide them through. Every decision we've made, wrong or right, people look at and judge and model themselves after. We teach by living.

I have not always had it easy. In fact, I have had some very hard things in my life. I have had major depression. I have anxiety and OCD. I have attachment issues. I am adopted. I have been heartbroken. I have been to a whole lot of scary mental places for someone who is only almost 19. But I know, despite how hard this may be for me, someone out there could hear my story and be where I was and be saved because I showed them I made it through. Someone out there may be dying and I am lucky to be healthy (for the most part). There are people that have problems like me and worse than me. I know I can make a difference with just my voice.

I want to speak at my old high school. I want to start a campaign to have recent graduates come back and tell their stories. There are so many young adults out there that might just hear what I have to say and have it make a difference. Sure, I know that there are many that will laugh, sleep, and text their way through my talk. But, if I can get through to just one student and help them past where they are it wouldn't matter.

I have written a lot this evening. I'm processing some hard stuff right now. These last few days are trying my patience and my nerves. But I am ok. I am learning that people will come into our lives and make it a beautiful place, and they may leave you alone and go away without a second thought. Other people do not believe as I do. Others make choices I am avoiding. Those people are not the people that matter. The ones who matter are the parents to call at anytime when you need an ear. They are the friends across the hall that would wake up for you despite finals in the morning or stay up all night just because you didn't want to be alone. They are the people that tolerate your problems and try to help make them better. It is these people that stay in our lives. Some are lucky to find these friends at a young age and keep them as life-long friends. Others discover them later as the slightly tarnished, but beautiful people that they are. My friends make all the difference. Where I have been has shaped me yes, but it does not define me. Only I can say who I am.

Ending.

He said he didn't like my friends. I said if he couldn't accept them then we can't spend time together. They matter more than any boy ever could. This lesson took pain to learn and now I know the right thing to do. Telling Chris to go away because he didn't like my friends was easier than trying to tell him to go on my own accord. He needs to go away if he doesn't like them. I love my friends and my life here. No relationship could come in and ruin that for me. I love Chris, but I love my friends and my life here more.

Give It Up You Masochistic Heart!

I have the worst masochistic tendencies. I let Chris in even though I know it will hurt me in the end. I get into classes that make my anxiety horrible. I sabotage my happiness by letting the anxiety rule me on weeks like this. I am weak and stupid.

You would assume that after the amount of pain I've been in because of a BOY, I would run away from him every time he comes into the picture. But what do I do? I embrace him as if he were a prodigal son. I let him come into my heart and mind, admittedly less and less every time, but in nonetheless. For now, I made my resolutions, but I let him in as a friend. He dangles the possibility of it "possibly turning into something" and I say just friends. What?? Isn't that what I've wanted? Him to love me again? Why did I deny myself what I want more than anything?

Because. Because he wants to get there by being "friends with benefits" and "texting and stuff". That sounds fishy to me. So yes. I have wised up a bit, but I still cannot kick him out of my life completely. I can't just so no and tell him to go away and really mean it. Love is stupid. It makes smart people dumb, wise people idiots, rich people poor, put together people fall apart, and worst of all it is the most blessed feeling on Earth. How does that work?

So. Pick yourself up Hannah. No more tears. Kick him to the curb. Run the other way. Be smart. Do the logical thing. Your heart has already been broken, don't break it again.

If only it were that easy.

To outsiders, it may seem like that's all it would take. Just a simple no and done. Sadly, it does not work that way. Chris is like a sore tooth I've had in my mouth for a really long time. I decide to pull it out by tying a string to it and slamming the door to pull it out. I tie the string to both the tooth and the door. I wind up real good and slam that door hard! But instead of the tooth coming out, it stays in and now just hurts worse. Just slamming him out of my life doesn't work. He needs to be wiggled and nudged out little by little. It started a year ago and I'm still working on it today. He has been loosened and now only hangs in there by the last, most sensitive nerve. He is existing only as a friend. That person that just hangs on even when they should really just fall out by now. Who knows? Maybe he'll fall out after this little friendship stint. Or maybe, just maybe, he'll release his hold on that nerve and replace it with a brand new shiny tooth underneath. Maybe this stint will be the one where he comes back and loves me all over again and life becomes right as rain and the sun shines out his ass again. Who Knows?

For me, the who knows question is just to tempting to ignore. I have to let him try to be my friend. I have the ability to resist his charms and say no to sex. I can draw the line and stand where I am strong. But if he really does let something happen between us again and there is just the slightest possibility that we could find love again, hell if I stop that chance.

You may not understand why I have chosen to let him be a part of my life. You may never understand why I loved this man so intensely. In fact, I may never understand that. However, I know with every fiber of my being that just one more moment of that kind of happiness is worth whatever lifetime of pain and awfulness I live afterwards. I am a masochist with Chris. I can say this fully because not only do I inflict pain upon myself, but I revel in the pain because it is feeling about the man I love.

honesty

As I text chris this evening, I realize that being honest and saying what I really think and feel makes a difference in how he sees me. I'm not helpless and hanging on his every word. I am ok.

I am not ok to be honest. I'm anxious. I feel as though I have something important to do, but I don't know what. It's scary and frustrating.

maybe i'm not ready afterall

I was flirting with a boy the last two days. He's up in Ely and not near enough to be anything serious. I like him, but we differ on a lot of things. I thought that maybe I could see where this goes. I like him and he likes me. He's cute, sweet, and genuine. He's a good guy, no hanky panky from him. However, I am laying wide awake tonight tormented by this boy. I'm scared to date again. I'm terrified to be so intimate in my thoughts and feelings with someone else. Chris seriously messed my brain up about relationships, and honestly I don't know where to go from here. I am admitting that I am scared. Doesn't that count for something? Admitting you have a problem is always the first step. So what now world? Tell me where to go and what to do. Am I going to be perpetually afraid so much so that I never date again? I hope not.

I thought I was over chris. I thought I was on the right path to being on my own and finding someone new. I thought I was ready to be emotionally involved again. Since new years I have been feeling every emotion 10 fold because I had been hiding them all away for over a year. It's all so raw. Emotions are scary.

Ok world, karma, God, Buddha, and whatever other belief systems people buy into, what now?

What I Say, I Mean.

When Colby and I hung out tonight, I had this revelation about some stuff.

1. When I say no, I do have the ability to stick to it and mean it.
2. You can't explain love, so you cannot therefore look for it.
3. I am hard to read and that explained why colby likes being my friend because he is great at reading people and the fact that I'm unique entrigues him.
4. Colby believes me and understands that I'm not crazy, nor have I ever been crazy. I'm different for sure, and he said unique, but I'm not nuts.
5. When we want two conflicting things in life, it is better to take the personally satisfying option over all else. If we are happy, the world goes round.

Improved mood

There is a little blessing in my hall in my dorm. This little fluffy black and white dog is the biggest help in my life. His presence is constant and cheerful. He cuddles and loves better than any man could even try.

Animals have always been noted as being therapeutic for people. I never really noticed just how much until I met Teddy.

Not only is he just adorable, but he KNOWS when I need help calming down or just unwinding. When I was home for the holidays I missed his happy presence incredibly so. He's just an amazing little guy.

Those Crazy Days...

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things in life get busy and crazy. Our plans seem out of control and the to do list never seems to get done. These days are the most interesting days. On days where we have less time to think and more just acting moments, we learn defining characteristics about ourselves. When we rush around trying to do it all, we learn what really matters because those things naturally get done first.

Crazy days always make me appreciate the quiet at the end of the day. I love these moments where I can sit and write while breathing a sigh of relief that the day is done. It makes the quiet moments count.

Part of my new years resolution is to be honest. I have come to find in just these short 8 days that honesty really makes a difference in how we view the world and how the world views us. When I can speak from the heart and mean what I say it really gets my point across much better than if I tried to lie and get around a question or topic.

On crazy days, like this weekend and all last week, honesty helps me get through the day. Busy days make for little time to craft and keep up with lies. Being honest allows me to say no in situations where previously I would not have been able to say no. I can admit when I want time alone and I can say no to the not so good boys that come a calling. Honesty has given me a strengthening of character.

So, to end my crazy weekend and to prepare for the crazy 4 days ahead, I say goodnight. Let all the dreams be good and all our busy days end well.

My Genius Plan

I have decided that I need a hobby, or at least something I can do in my dorm room besides watch T.V. or play guitar hero. My solution? I am going to make a scrapbook of my college years. I am already a semester behind on this project so I better get cracking!

However, scrapbooking is a slightly expensive little hobby. I have a lot of stuff already, but I need to make a trip to the craft store and spend a little of my Christmas Cash and get some supplies. This little outing will sure be a fun one, yet a dent in my pocket book. Good thing I won't be able to afford booze anymore ;P

I am excited to have something to look forward to and to have to do. I need a hobby to give me a little distraction from the craziness that is J-term.

New Years Resolutions : 2012

My new years this year was spent in simplicity with my family at home quietly watching the ball drop on T.V. and enjoying some quality country music along the way. I could have tagged along with friends and been cray on new years, but I think the way I spent this one was perfect for my resolutions.

This year, 2012, I resolve:
1. No kissing douche bags, including Chris, Cam, Colby, etc. Even when I don't think they are douche bags, I resolve to not kiss them or anything! Yay me! lol
2. No sex outside of a relationship. This piggy backs on the first resolution, but still it is worth the clarification.
3. Be honest. I am going to be honest in my whole life; no lies to anyone, even myself. Being honest about what I want and who I am will help me be the strongest person I can be.

Overall, I really am proud of my resolutions.

It took me a long time to stand up for myself with those dumb boys and tell them no. When Chris, the douche of all douches, asked me to "hang out" like we always do, I said no. I put my foot down and told him unless he wanted to just talk he was not going to be seeing me. Then after I said that and he responded, I told him it was time for him to go away. Sure, I shed a few tears that night, but I woke up a stronger person and more comfortable with myself than I have been in a long time.

This year is going to be a year where I can really shine. I'm working on my anxiety and combating the OCD. I'm doing all the work I can for my class over J-term and for the following spring semester. I am going to make this year one for the record books in my life. Screw this "end of the world" business. It will be the end of the world as we know because for once, I feel fine!