Fighting Death

While talking with my mother the other day, we were discussing how the dark days (read: senior year of high school) were survival mode. I was talking and telling Mom that I don't remember much. I remember sleeping in the car because I couldn't move then a week later "waking up" in the psych ward of the ER. I realize that I don't remember that time, but she does. In her eyes I saw just how much pain that caused her as a mother. I saw how helpless she must have felt. I realized to the fullest extent that this woman across the table from me literally fought for a week to keep me alive when, without her, I would have died easily and quickly. I always credit my mother for saving my life, but it wasn't until that moment looking into her eyes that I truly understood the toll this took on her. I didn't realize that my sister's feelings of being forgotten stem from that week where my mother was caring for my life and ignoring everything else. I didn't understand that this woman, this amazing, strong, caring woman, literally kept me alive. She was my lifeline; without her I'd be dead. So in response to this revelation, I thank her. I thank her with every breath I take. I thank her from the bottom of my heart and the darkest corners of my soul. I thank her for everything that she did to save me so that I could live the life I am living so happily today. Thank you Mom.

Busy Busy Life

So in the last month, I've celebrated 3 months with a wonderful guy, valentines day with the same guy (thankfully), and my 21st birthday. I'm almost halfway through my last semester of this undergrad career. I've been pursuing other job opportunities, still to no avail, but I'm trying. (actually that's a little fib. HR really liked me and would have hired me on the spot at my interview but my schedule conflicted with school and their schedule. But i can go back in May and do something then).

It has been a busy month. DJ moved in officially. That is going wonderful by the way. He's a great roommate cause he cleans (I think he cleans more than me actually, but shh I'm leaving that a secret). He's the most wonderful boyfriend I have ever had. He genuinely treats me like a princess, even when I'm acting more like the wicked witch. So that's good. :)

I guess I haven't really needed this blog to air my thoughts so much anymore because I've been too busy to just sit back and ponder. I thought this was bad, but I think it is just a sign that I'm really growing into myself and meeting life head on. I've been kicked down and beaten so much in my life, but every time I try to fight harder the next round. Maybe I'm just finally winning a round. I know that at some point things will get complicated again. I know there is more to be faced, but I also know I am confident in who I am and I know without a doubt that nothing can bring me down too far.

So I wish everyone a safe and happy march and enjoy the funky minnesota spring we have ahead.

Too busy living life...

I know it seems like a cop out to say I've been too busy to write. But it is rather true. I'm living my life and not just writing about everything happening around me. So truth it is.

Collide

The song Collide by Howie Day is a beautiful song. Its lyrics are perfectly on spot with the way life works. Everyone falls down sometimes. There are people we collide with. I feel like this is what my life is like right now. I am on the verge of colliding with the world around me. The near the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling is exhilarating. I used to be so afraid of changing the little safe place I find myself in, but I just find myself realizing more and more that life is going to collide. I can either run from it or run into it. I chose to run into it. So what if I fall down? At least I can say I took it head on. I am no coward. Bring on the collision!

Long time no write

I know I haven't posted on here for awhile. And there really isn't an excuse except for that I have been busy enjoying my life and working hard. I work 3 to 4 days a week and have class 4 days a week. I have a lovely boyfriend who I try to spend as much time with as I can. I spend time playing video games or playing with my kitty. My life is pretty simple for once and im loving it. Sure, money is tight right now. Its post holiday spending and a new tv purchase that did me in but all in all, I will survive.

Day by Day

I've been chugging along day by day. I try to get more than 4 hours of sleep but it's hard. I want to hide under the covers sometimes. I just have struggled my way through to the end of my semester. It's crazy to think that april 29 is the last day of classes for me as an undergrad. I literally have like 4.5 months of school left. that's it. then it's time for a taste of the real world. but ya know, I don't know what I want yet. I feel like I should be applying for grad schools and searching for internships, but truth be told, I don't want to. I don't want to start that part of my life yet. I want to take a year or so to just work and live life. hang out with friends. paycheck to paycheck. I kind of want to just be one of those average people living an average life. I'm tired of trying to overachieve all the time. I will have finished my undergrad in 3 years instead of 4. I've gotten pretty stellar grades for most of it (we'll see about this semester). I just kind of want to slow down and breathe. I've been so caught up in all of this I haven't really set a goal for my life or a career I want. I know psychology will influence my career choice, but maybe I want to work a bit and try to advance in my job and see if I like that. Maybe I want to be a supervisor and do that kind of work? it's still working with people and it pays decent. then I could pursue a bigger degree later. Or maybe I want to join the peace corp and go to africa for a couple years and feed starving children. Maybe I want to teach. No. haha. Maybe I want to go into human resources and help people in whatever company I work for. Maybe I want to be a school counselor. Maybe I want to be an astronaut? Who knows. I've been rushing to get "done" with school without any real thought of what comes after I'm done. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have gone more broke to go to school for the full 4 years. Or maybe, I'm on the right path and I'll figure it out like I always do. day by day. one step at a time. Or maybe I'll make my mother angry and work at the mall of america for the rest of my life. haha maybe.

Well despite an ER trip... all is well.

So I had an allergy/asthma attack and spent a night in the ER. D.J. the wonderful guy that he is, stayed by my side the whole time and took the next day off to take care of me. I am one very lucky girl.

Work is going as well as can be expected. Most everyone still likes me. Except Barb but she hates D.J. so now she hates me. I'm hoping to get a fulltime position the next time they open up. We'll see. I'm also looking into possibly going into HR.

School is school. It goes. I'm not excelling like normal this year, but I am still doing really well. I just registered for my last undergraduate courses. It feels weird to be almost done.