I have the worst masochistic tendencies. I let Chris in even though I know it will hurt me in the end. I get into classes that make my anxiety horrible. I sabotage my happiness by letting the anxiety rule me on weeks like this. I am weak and stupid.
You would assume that after the amount of pain I've been in because of a BOY, I would run away from him every time he comes into the picture. But what do I do? I embrace him as if he were a prodigal son. I let him come into my heart and mind, admittedly less and less every time, but in nonetheless. For now, I made my resolutions, but I let him in as a friend. He dangles the possibility of it "possibly turning into something" and I say just friends. What?? Isn't that what I've wanted? Him to love me again? Why did I deny myself what I want more than anything?
Because. Because he wants to get there by being "friends with benefits" and "texting and stuff". That sounds fishy to me. So yes. I have wised up a bit, but I still cannot kick him out of my life completely. I can't just so no and tell him to go away and really mean it. Love is stupid. It makes smart people dumb, wise people idiots, rich people poor, put together people fall apart, and worst of all it is the most blessed feeling on Earth. How does that work?
So. Pick yourself up Hannah. No more tears. Kick him to the curb. Run the other way. Be smart. Do the logical thing. Your heart has already been broken, don't break it again.
If only it were that easy.
To outsiders, it may seem like that's all it would take. Just a simple no and done. Sadly, it does not work that way. Chris is like a sore tooth I've had in my mouth for a really long time. I decide to pull it out by tying a string to it and slamming the door to pull it out. I tie the string to both the tooth and the door. I wind up real good and slam that door hard! But instead of the tooth coming out, it stays in and now just hurts worse. Just slamming him out of my life doesn't work. He needs to be wiggled and nudged out little by little. It started a year ago and I'm still working on it today. He has been loosened and now only hangs in there by the last, most sensitive nerve. He is existing only as a friend. That person that just hangs on even when they should really just fall out by now. Who knows? Maybe he'll fall out after this little friendship stint. Or maybe, just maybe, he'll release his hold on that nerve and replace it with a brand new shiny tooth underneath. Maybe this stint will be the one where he comes back and loves me all over again and life becomes right as rain and the sun shines out his ass again. Who Knows?
For me, the who knows question is just to tempting to ignore. I have to let him try to be my friend. I have the ability to resist his charms and say no to sex. I can draw the line and stand where I am strong. But if he really does let something happen between us again and there is just the slightest possibility that we could find love again, hell if I stop that chance.
You may not understand why I have chosen to let him be a part of my life. You may never understand why I loved this man so intensely. In fact, I may never understand that. However, I know with every fiber of my being that just one more moment of that kind of happiness is worth whatever lifetime of pain and awfulness I live afterwards. I am a masochist with Chris. I can say this fully because not only do I inflict pain upon myself, but I revel in the pain because it is feeling about the man I love.
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