just cause i felt the need to write!

"I open my heart, and I let you in. Promised i'd never love again. And I'm still doing what I said i'd do. Someday I might get over you..... I never thought i'd see it but I think I see the light and now I know that what I have to do is get on with my life." -Kenny Chesney

This song is stuck on repeat in my mind and heart. I feel lonely and so I turn on my music, focus in on school work or some mind numbing game and just zone out. I shut down to keep myself from feeling the full extent of the lonely.

I saw Chris tonight. We had the best conversation and just smiled and laughed and joked together. He cuddles me and takes away the loneliness, if just for a moment. The smile on his face when he looks right into my eyes reminds me that it was all real. I don't want to go back, I just need to be reminded that I can be happy. I don't love Chris anymore. I don't love Chris anymore. I don't love Chris anymore. Hear that? It's the truth finally breaking past my fears.

I get scared to say that I don't love him because I fear that I will never love again. I am afraid to go through the rest of my life without love so I clung to the old feelings for Chris. But. The biggest obstacle from making myself happy and falling in love again was my feelings for him. So I take a deep breath and let them go.

Now, when I see his smile, I smile back. I don't cry anymore for him. I don't feel jealous of his friends for getting time with him. I'm happy to have him as part of my life as my friend. He is a good friend. Sure, I will always love Chris as my first love, but the world keeps turning and I'm determined to have no regrets in this life.

So why am I writing? I had words to share that are kind of mixed and scrambled and unclear, but I feel like I know it all at the end of this post. Writing sorts out my thoughts even if they aren't clear on the screen yet, I feel ten million times better without them clogging my brain.

Smile. Head back. Chin up. Chest out. I can take on the world.